http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com Feel It | Body & Soul | PowderRoomGraffiti.com en-us PowderRoomGraffiti.com Wed, 08 Sep 2010 06:25:36 +0000 60 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/dispensing-pharmaceuticals-for-dummies-101.html Frankly, I'm
surprised that more people don't inadvertently kill themselves courtesy of
prescribed pharmaceuticals. There are people, called pharmacists, who go
to college for five flipping years to learn how to dispense drugs and are paid
very handsomely to do just that. Yet we flying-without-a-net or lsquo;Tag,
you're it!' caretakers of the elderly are doling out meds left and right and
praying that we haven't gotten the heart medicine confused with the poop
medicine.
]]> Thu, 19 Aug 2010 06:02:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/you-make-me-sick.html
I have never been one to suffer from motion sickness. I have always
enjoyed travelling - be it by air, sea, train or the open road itself - or even
by camel, off-road jeep, fairground waltzer or bungee.


For no particular
reason, my more recent travels have been less water orientated, and that is why
it came as such an unpleasant surprise when I discovered my nemesis: the
catamaran.

Read More]]> Thu, 19 Aug 2010 06:01:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/glamour-girl.html I would
love to be one of those women that can arrive at a party or nightclub in a
sparkly cloud of sexy cool. Those women who look like they live in the
pages of a fashion magazine. They survive on a diet of mints, lettuce and
vodka. Cheekbones so sharp you could cut paper with them.
]]> Thu, 12 Aug 2010 06:02:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/fitflips.html
The
summer shoe trends of recent years have been pretty ugly on the whole,
haven't they


Uggs
do not make you look like a boho chick 'agrave; la Sienna Miller'; more like you have
inserted your feet up a couple of lamb's backsides. You can justify wearing
them in the winter, but on a warm summer's day, as seems to be the fashion
here Incomprehensibly sweaty and icky.

]]> Thu, 12 Aug 2010 06:01:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/the-thighs-have-it.html Don't you just hate those women with thighs that
don't meet at the top You know the ones...you can actually see daylight
between
their thighs as they walk. How do they do that In all my forty-odd born
years,
I have never managed the lsquo;sky between the thighs' look. And I have
morphed in
and out of many different shapes and sizes, I can tell you. Even at my
thinnest, my thighs stubbornly refused to unglue themselves. To achieve
the
desired effect I have tried walking like John Wayne, stuffing my
knickers with miniature
bean-bags, visualisation techniques...and the net result I looked like
I'd
soiled myself.
]]> Mon, 09 Aug 2010 06:02:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/poop-funnyside-up.html Fart.
Poop. Underpants. I'm betting right now you might be chuckling. Or at least you
have a smile on your face. Because according to any kid under 5, those are
some of the funniest words in the English language. And let's face it; we all
have a bit of lsquo;kid' left in us. Men probably more so than women.
]]> Thu, 05 Aug 2010 06:01:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/am-i-too-old-to-be-on-a-trend.html I think I have finally fallen in love with fashion. And I wonder if I
perhaps rather missed the boat It has taken me a long, long time to
learn, but the gradual rise and fall of the trends with each passing
season has finally caught my attention and intrigue. I recently realised that I
am enjoying building a staple wardrobe of classic key pieces which I enhance
with OTM (of the moment) high street seasonal items and accessories, as much as
I am enjoying creating a beautiful home for my family.
]]> Thu, 29 Jul 2010 06:02:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/when-internal-thermostats-are-polar-opposites.html Living with someone whose internal
thermostat is way different from yours is ... challenging. I'm an old hand at
this point when it comes to hot flashes and night sweats but that doesn't mean
that I like them anymore than when they first appeared and struck me unawares.
]]> Thu, 29 Jul 2010 06:01:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/bad-massages.html Bad massages are like
bad sex. One of you isn't enjoying it, whilst the other is trying their best.
The receiver ultimately ends up feeling dissatisfied, disgruntled and a little
bit in pain.
]]> Mon, 26 Jul 2010 06:02:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/if-you-can-read-this.html
At
what precise point do you realise you've turned into your mother Is it
when
you sternly tell your children to wait till their father gets home Is
it when
you forget your PIN while standing at the front of a long line at the
ATM Is
it when you stop on green and go on red

For
me it was when I realised I couldn't read newsprint - or any smallish
print -
anymore.
]]> Thu, 15 Jul 2010 06:02:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/hair-or-lair.html I have big hair. I always have. When my kids were younger they could spot me in an auditorium by
my poofy-do. I can't even tell you how many times someone has asked me if I put
my finger in a light socket. The owner
of that remark always thinks he made it up. Please.
]]> Thu, 15 Jul 2010 06:01:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/living-in-fear-of-breast-cancer.html In the natural order of life, it's normal
to bury your parents. Yet it wasn't very normal to be at my mum's
funeral when
she was 42 and I was 14.
]]> Thu, 08 Jul 2010 06:02:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/exercising-my-womanhood.html When we want to lose weight, we do cardio. When we want to build and
tone muscle, we use weights. Apparently we can also apply the same
concept to
our privates - with surprising results!
]]> Thu, 01 Jul 2010 06:02:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/pole-dancing-the-new-yoga.html I know
that for me, pole dancing used to conjure up images of dingy clubs,
ultra-skinny women in G-strings, and fat, balding men smoking cigars. I
had
been meaning to start some sort of exercise class for a while to
celebrate my
newly-single status and to get back into some sort of shape, but when a
friend
suggested pole dancing I must admit I was more than just a little
sceptical. It
took nearly two months, but I was finally persuaded to give it a try.
]]> Thu, 01 Jul 2010 06:01:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/bearded-ladies.html I have
a problem when talking to old women. It's a shameful thing to admit, but I get
distracted. Some old dear can be telling me how she single-handedly repelled a
battalion of Hitler's finest as they tried to cross the Maginot Line, but I'm not really listening. It's
because I'm looking at her chin hair.
Read More]]> Thu, 24 Jun 2010 06:02:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/superheroes-in-bustiers.html
Faster
than a pre-ejaculate...


More
powerful than Viagra...


Able
to heave over tall buildings in a single bounce...


Look! Up in the sky!


It's
a bottle, it's a balloon... No,
it's Supertits!

]]> Thu, 24 Jun 2010 06:01:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/faking-it-doesnt-come-naturally.html I decided
to fake it last night. Fake tan that is. The sun had come out for more than a
few hours and I felt this mad urge to get out of trousers and jeans and wear a
skirt or maybe a dress. I must be insane. I never wear dresses. Ever. One
problem with this urge though. I needed to be a warmer colour than winter grey.
]]> Thu, 17 Jun 2010 06:02:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/my-last-nerve.html It's
been seven and half years and three kids, and I cannot remember the last time I
had a moment to myself. I'm on sensory overload. It's affecting my personality,
my mood and my memory. Just recently I forgot to register my daughter for kindergarten.
Odd, considering I'm trying to gain more time to myself.
]]> Thu, 17 Jun 2010 06:01:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/opposites-attack.html They say that opposites attract, and
what a romantic idea that is. An American in Paris; I'm a little bit country,
you're a little bit rock lsquo;n' roll; sweet amp; sour pork.... But the romantic
idealism conveniently forgets Newton's Third Law of Motion which states: For
every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. So do opposites really
attract, or do they just attack
]]> Mon, 14 Jun 2010 06:01:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/scent-off.html And so another
Football World Cup dawns. Kicking off on the 11th of June in South
Africa, we should prepare ourselves for a month of soccer saturation.
]]> Fri, 11 Jun 2010 06:02:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/hair-to-dry-for.html
There's nothing like the word lsquo;pampering' to make me want to
burn a dictionary.


And when it comes to 'pampering' or its near relation, lsquo;experience'
in the context of hairdressing, why, I'd prefer to nail my head to a board. I'd
do it, too, were it not for the nagging feeling that someone, somewhere is
already offering it as an innovative de-tox treatment.

]]> Thu, 10 Jun 2010 06:02:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/hurray-up-and-have-another-baby.html
I live in a part of the United States where
it is apparently customary to have several babies back-to-back-to-back.


Ever hear of Jon and Kate Plus 8 I live about three
hours from that train wreck and apparently the concept of pushing out several
kids at once has traveled upstream, versus down.

Read More]]> Thu, 10 Jun 2010 06:01:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/smells-like-teen-spirit.html lsquo;Bye, Mum.' The door slams. My son has left
the house but his odour lingers. That heady aroma of lsquo;Cool Water.' Or
lsquo;Eternity.' And lsquo;Lynx' shower gel. And
antiperspirant. And hair wax.
]]> Wed, 09 Jun 2010 06:02:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/sextrology.html A few months
after I met my husband, we took a road trip. Back then there weren't any
cell
phones to distract us from each other. No texting. No iPods. Not even a
CD
player. Oh, we had cassette tapes, but ours got twisted up in the player
and
became impossible to dislodge. This left
only one activity - that of talking to each other. Imagine that Talking
to
each other.
]]> Thu, 03 Jun 2010 06:02:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/periods-of-uncertainty.html I walked
out of my doctor's surgery a couple of days ago with the familiar
feeling of
wonderment. Not because the doctor amazed me with her expertise or
assured me
with her wisdom, but because the trip had been a complete waste of time.
It is
almost three years since I visited my GP, and this last trip to see her
reminded me why.
]]> Thu, 03 Jun 2010 06:01:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/too-much-too-young.html
Hands up if you had a good rummage through your Mum's make
up bag when you were small. Hands up if you also tried that make up on,
possibly in secret, and probably
with a sister or friend.


So do you agree that it's OK for young girls to wear make
up I can hear you groaning. It's not really OK is it Or is it

]]> Wed, 02 Jun 2010 06:02:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/big-bellies-can-be-very-useful.html My
dancing teacher does not, for all intents and purposes, have a good
body. She's
short and squat, with the belly of a four month pregnant woman (although
she's
not pregnant). She has plenty of that mid-torso flab that we all hate;
the
stuff that seems to accumulate like gangbusters when you're a certain
age -
right below the waist line and above the hips; that fleshy gunk that
oozes out
over your low rise jeans and which you can literally grab hold of and
yank. Not
that yanking does any good. It's staying put.
]]> Thu, 27 May 2010 06:02:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/prepare-to-hate-me.html Prepare
to hate me... but I've been the same weight for decades now. Nothing
seems to
change it. Always around the 8 stone (112 lbs) mark (I'm not tall).
Nothing
seemed to make it go up or down... didn't matter how active I was or how
much or
what I ate. Why am I telling you this if not just to make you seethe
Well I recently
had a rude awakening as to why my weight has never been an issue.
]]> Thu, 27 May 2010 06:01:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/tape-it-shut-girls-tape-it-shut.html I have it!
I have the answer to all your snoring
woes and
you'll be dancing in the streets when you finally enjoy a good night's
sleep. It's
a miracle!
Read More]]> Thu, 20 May 2010 06:02:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/from-hormone-hell-to-hormone-heaven.html
My friends had that special look you
reserve for when someone has walked in with something smelly on their
shoe.


lsquo;You're taking what' lsquo;Don't you know you can get cancer from that'
lsquo;Haven't
you read about the Million Women Study' lsquo;Why don't you try natural
remedies'

Read More]]> Thu, 20 May 2010 06:01:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/in-defence-of-the-nit.html We all know nits (head lice) are
nasty. Mere mention of the word makes scalps itch. Reactions to
their discovery vary from that initial sensation of horror and
mortification at
the first infestation, through the reduced embarrassment levels and
simpering
defensiveness of lsquo;I understand they really do prefer clean hair,' to the
final
stages of campaign veterans who simply reach for the nit shampoo they
bought with
the new school uniforms in September and couldn't give a toss what sort
of hair
the little buggers like as long as they leave quickly.
Read More]]> Mon, 17 May 2010 06:02:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/the-dick-doctor.html Remember
when we were teenagers and dating seemed the toughest thing in the
world: Will
he like me Will he ask me out Oh God will you please take this pimple
away
before Friday's dance please I used to look back and be thankful I was
past
all that. Then my husband decided to have a midlife crisis. Out of the
blue he
announced life was too short to be unhappy (hmm don't recall any
conversation
saying he was unhappy in the 17 years before), and debunked to Bali.
]]> Thu, 13 May 2010 06:02:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/insulin-versus-hessian.html I suppose I should make it clear from the outset
that I am one of those women. I have more than one cat,
speak to
them as if they are capable of responding (which they are, so don't even
start
trying to tell me otherwise), and have a brown leather sofa.
Yeah, yeah
whatever; I've heard all the jokes before.
]]> Thu, 13 May 2010 06:01:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/growing-old.html I was brought up to believe that you know
you're getting on a bit when the policemen start to look younger. Well, I
haven't noticed policemen being a problem but when did they pass the law
that
allows you to practise as a doctor before you've left school Presumably
they
slipped that one in the day I was out getting measured up for my
slippers and
cocoa mug.
]]> Thu, 06 May 2010 06:02:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/ladies-ladies-ladies.html Public
bathrooms - yuck! I have entered countless public bathrooms in my 49+
years on this planet and many times wished I could just go squat in a
bush
rather than venture further than the doorway. However, nature calls and
sometimes you have to look the public bathroom straight in the stall
door and
dive in.
]]> Thu, 06 May 2010 06:01:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/kill-the-snooze-button.html
Does the following scenario sound familiar
to you in any way


You're getting ready for bed. You're exhausted and
ready for
your insufficient 7 hours of sleep, and as you close your eyes and
attempt to dive into the sleep of the just, your
significant other ruins it all, and utters words that strike fear into
your
heart: lsquo;I have an early start tomorrow. But don't worry - I won't wake
you...'

]]> Thu, 29 Apr 2010 06:02:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/doc-is-not-god-spelled-backwards.html Several years ago, I sat in my doctor's office listening to
him tell me how I'd never have full movement or flexibility in my right
arm
again. That meant hailing a cab, reaching top shelves, and yawning and
stretching in the morning with only my left arm. I had images of the
left one
growing to the size of Popeye's while the right one shriveled up to look
like
Olive Oyl's.
]]> Thu, 29 Apr 2010 06:01:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/a-royal-affair.html
Have you ever postponed doing something for fifteen years
I have.


I'm scared of dentists. I have never liked lying prostrate
with a wonderful view up their nostrils. That shows how long ago it's
been.
Nowadays they wear a mask. Plus, so many mistakes and blunders were made
in my
mouth that in the end I decided to go it alone. No dentists. Just
self-care.

]]> Wed, 28 Apr 2010 06:02:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/maybe-i-should-just-go-commando.html Ever
since I started having sensitivity issues (and not in a good way), I've
been
searching for the perfect pair of panties. If I were a guy, this
would've been
solved in about a day. I, however, have been working on it for five
years. With
what seems like a million different women's clothing stores and
catalogues out
there, you'd think this would be an easy fix. But not so.
]]> Mon, 26 Apr 2010 06:02:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/steps-to-nowhere.html
I
travel home from dropping off the kids by way of a winding L.A. road,
where the
infamous lsquo;Steps' are.


The
Steps consist of roughly a hundred or so cement steps that reach from
the
concrete pavement to... well the top of some more concrete pavement.

]]> Thu, 22 Apr 2010 06:01:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/the-inside-scoop-on-takeout-foods.html It's Friday night and you've had a horrible
day. You're tired and cranky and all you want to do is pour a glass of
wine and
kick back on the couch. But you can't. There's a family to feed and
they're
getting restless. Cooking is out of the question. Even gathering up the
troops
and heading off to the local eatery is not a pleasant option. So, you do
the
next best thing. You head for that drawer, the one next to the
silverware or
perhaps the dish towels and pull out the stack of Takeout Menus.
]]> Wed, 21 Apr 2010 06:01:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/aging-a-hairy-adventure.html When
I approached 30, I felt confident. I wasn't afraid to hit that number. I
didn't
feel old, I was in good shape, I ran three miles a day. I was
comfortable in my
skin; comfortable in a bikini. I thought to myself lsquo;Thirty...bring it
on!'
]]> Mon, 19 Apr 2010 06:01:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/the-man-sneeze.html My beloved husband has a cold, again. I'm
not going to write about how this manifests itself - I've already done
so
here
but
I would just like to do a quick critique of one of the least attractive
traits
of a cold, flu, hayfever or indeed just a tickly nose when experienced
by the lsquo;stronger'
sex...
Read More]]> Thu, 15 Apr 2010 06:02:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/how-do-you-give-an-old-rat-a-hard-on.html Once again science takes a leap in one of the
most important medical issues of the century - erectile dysfunction. Ha!
And
you thought it would be cancer or heart disease, you silly person you.
]]> Thu, 15 Apr 2010 06:01:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/am-i-worth-it-erm.html
I'm standing, looking in the mirror, with my 14-month-old child in my
arms.
She's looking rather snazzy. Cute spotty tights, mini denim skirt and a
natty
logo t-shirt.


Meanwhile I'm wearing a sack.

]]> Thu, 08 Apr 2010 06:02:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/i-am-relatively-certain.html
Is my memory truly shot or am I just not listening


The latter, I believe.


I've spent so much time being force fed junk that I
didn't want to hear about in the first place, as in lsquo;I had to listen
because
it was my job to listen and remember or because I thought I would be a
bad
mother if I didn't at least feign interest,' that I am plumb pooped out
at this point and have shut down the ear canal and/or memory central in
my
brain.

]]> Thu, 08 Apr 2010 06:01:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/mammogram-misery.html Will
someone please tell me why in this age of technology, with our ability
to play
games, read the news and get directions all from an iPhone, with operations
performed remotely by surgeons in a different country from their
patients, why in God's name hasn't someone
invented a better method of having a mammogram
Read More]]> Wed, 07 Apr 2010 06:01:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/massive-knocker-shocker.html I think this whole recycling lark has gone too far.
Some things should remain sacred. Surely there should be limits imposed
on what
you can recycle, based on their 'Eeeewwww' factor
]]> Thu, 01 Apr 2010 06:02:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/is-that-my-brothers-toothbrush.html I was recently at a basketball party, and as the kids were
hanging out playing ball, the parents were eating and drinking in
another room.
After a few sangrias, the topic of toothbrushes, just happened to come
up.
]]> Thu, 01 Apr 2010 06:01:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/got-pms-think-outside-the-box.html After a quarter of a century of having
periods, you'd think I'd be used to Pre-menstrual Syndrome (PMS). Yet
although I
know roughly when it's coming - and husband has it logged in his
BlackBerry - its
intensity always catches me unawares. Every month I have a nasty case of
bitchy,
depressed, spiteful, irrational PMS.
]]> Thu, 25 Mar 2010 07:02:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/hot-yoga.html I've always had a bit of a compulsive
personality - doing things in moderation is not exactly in my
vocabulary. Working out is no exception. It wasn't always that way, of course. I
gained the lsquo;freshman 15' and then (ahem) some. I was blissfully ignorant
at the time, though. I was too busy enjoying my beer bongs and pizza
chasers to realize that my chin had grown another chin, and that one was
working on a wattle.
]]> Thu, 25 Mar 2010 07:01:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/pills-or-crotch.html Have you ever had an excruciating pain that is so bad you
want to scream, but you can't You're numb with pain. Literally.
]]> Thu, 18 Mar 2010 07:01:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/here-we-go-again.html As fate would have it, I'm the lsquo;mother of the bride' for the second
time. Now, if I had more than one daughter this would be no big thing.
But as I
do not, well, it's obvious that her first marriage didn't work.
]]> Wed, 17 Mar 2010 07:01:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/so-two-doctors-walk-into-an-examination-room.html The only thing more embarrassing than opening your legs for
a strange man with cold hands, a spatula and a poor bedside manner is...well,
nothing, frankly. But once a year we women are required to go through this
ritual called The Pap Smear for health's sake. This time lsquo;round, however, the
absurdity of the whole procedure struck me like a speculum into my cervix.
]]> Tue, 09 Mar 2010 07:01:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/its-just-a-roll-on-the-bed.html
You know that one day you will have to tell
them.


That day seems so far in the future when
they are just cute little toddlers with chubby hands and chocolate round their
mouths, but you know in your heart that one day you will be a great, liberal
parent and tell them without making the whole thing sound scary, frightening
or, at worst, tempting and exciting. It won't be the same as it was for you,
finding out through fumbles and embarrassment. It will be a good, intelligent
discussion...

]]> Thu, 04 Mar 2010 07:02:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/rem-sweet-rem.html
Lately, I can't wait to
get into bed. By myself.


Before your mind wanders
off in the wrong direction, let me explain. For whatever reason, maybe it's the
apple and peanut butter I devour each night before crawling under the covers or
that glass of red wine or even the late night talk shows I watch, something is
causing me to have the most wonderful dreams. Night after night, I lust after
terrific men who happily return my affections.

]]> Thu, 04 Mar 2010 07:01:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/is-this-a-mans-worst-nightmare.html
What do you think would constitute a man's worst
nightmare


I canvassed the opinion of my husband. This is what
he said:


'Being dragged around a Craft Fair, knowing full well
that the World Cup Final was taking place but my ticket had just been eaten by an
enormous monitor lizard. And even when I begged them at the gates to let me in
to see the soccer, they wouldn't, because I had developed a large pair of
tusks.'

]]> Thu, 25 Feb 2010 07:02:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/breast-cancer.html I am the oldest of
three sisters. We came from good stock. Healthy parents mostly. In 1994, the
middle sister, Cookie, got breast cancer. Sure, we were shocked. We cried. For
a second. And then we plowed through it; together. We're tough that way. In
1997, it was my turn and I took it like a champ. OK, actually, I crumbled. At
first. But my sisters and my family came flying to my side and here I am today.
Right as red wine. I mean rain.
Read More]]> Thu, 25 Feb 2010 07:01:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/dont-mention-the-war.html
I'm not quite a loopy
Basil Fawlty, but occasionally I feel just as demented about
modern day taboos.


I'm talking about weight and weight loss. Or talking about talking about weight and
weight loss.


Chances are, these days, if you mention lsquo;the war' you're not going to get away
with it.

Read More]]> Thu, 18 Feb 2010 07:02:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/being-the-fat-girl.html
lsquo;I've been wanting to talk to you
about a group I'd like you to join, but I can see...' the woman pursed her lips
and looked me up and down and then down again to my protruding belly, poorly
hidden by a shirt left from my maternity days. lsquo;You've been busy.'


Busy
What did she - Oh. She thought I was pregnant.

]]> Thu, 18 Feb 2010 07:01:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/pluck-me-that-hurts.html There comes a time - when the bags under your eyes reach your top lip
for example - when a woman needs to take her beauty regime in hand. No
matter that for scores of years she has adhered to the mantra of lsquo;What
you see is what you get' or lsquo;How nature intended me to be,' the bugle
call of liver spots and broken veins eventually comes to us all.
]]> Thu, 11 Feb 2010 07:02:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/fitness-club-newbies-take-note.html I'm happy for all the people who made a New Year's Resolution to
exercise. Really I am. But I'm a little tired of the newbies at my gym acting
like, well...newbies. We're approaching the midway point in February, and most of them have
already fallen off the exercise wagon. But there are a few lsquo;hangers-on' and
it's time they learned a little gym etiquette.
Read More]]> Thu, 11 Feb 2010 07:01:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/the-insides-story.html It was clearly a Choco Leibniz biscuit
too far. And I couldn't deny it
anymore. There was a lsquo;muffin top' emerging over my waistband, I had that awful
itchy tight bra feeling, and having to push aside a stubbornly protruding roll
of flesh to get into a yoga position is just downright humiliating when you're
the teacher.
]]> Thu, 04 Feb 2010 07:02:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/tattoo-parlour.html I started my
plastic surgery savings account when I was in my early thirties. None of that
lsquo;oh not me!' Even in my cradle, I knew when the neck and jaw started to go, I
wanted them tightened up.
]]> Thu, 04 Feb 2010 07:01:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/when-nice-is-not-enough.html
We lay in a heap on the
pub floor, having fallen off our bench.

We had tears rolling
down our cheeks, and were both dissolved in laughter and hitting each other as
we choked out words like lsquo;roadworks!' and lsquo;goal.' It was the culmination of a
ten week relationship between my friend Laura and her new boyfriend.
]]> Thu, 28 Jan 2010 07:02:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/speaking-of-leaking.html When I turned 40, I clearly remember
thinking that those four decades seemed a very long span of time, taking me all
the way from birth to peri-menopause. I surmised that if I had the luck to last
another forty years - I would be able to do absolutely everything I wanted,
plus many things I hadn't even considered yet. Plenty of time I thought. But
what I didn't understand then, and what no one had the guts to tell me, is that
time accelerates as we age.
Or so it seems.
]]> Thu, 28 Jan 2010 07:01:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/how-to-look-ten-years-older.html
Every year I fall for this one. Top tips for looking
younger. Who doesn't look through these in glossy magazines for women of a
certain age


And what was this one Tip number 15 lsquo;Having
shaped and tidy eyebrows will take years off you.' Oh, will it Well, by sheer coincidence, I happened to be descending the escalator in
Debenhams, when I came across a thing called an Eyebrow Bar. I
half-expected women to be perched there drinking cocktails.

Read More]]> Thu, 21 Jan 2010 07:02:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/dont-date-the-pizza-boy.html
One afternoon I decided to treat myself,
and order a small personal pan pizza from Pizza Hut.


The apartment buzzer
eventually buzzed, and I opened the door, eager for my calorific, cheesy treat.
I thanked the pizza delivery man, tipped him, and closed the door. Settling
down at my desk to eat, my cell phone rang. It was a number I didn't recognize,
but I answered it anyway. It was Pizza Boy.

Read More]]> Thu, 21 Jan 2010 07:01:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/mammograms-and-biopsies.html
Don't have a mother
who dies shockingly young from breast cancer. The genetic counsellors will get hold of you and you'll have to start
having mammograms at 35.


Do buy fabulous
new underwear, have a wax and exfoliate before your mammogram. It might be a sexy
male nurse who operates the machine and anyway, if the Grim Reaper has his
scythe poised, best to go out looking good.

Read More]]> Thu, 14 Jan 2010 07:02:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/when-scared-to-death-start-shimmying.html I know
I'm never going to be Shakira, but if I'm lucky I may eventually be able to do
a fair (or, more likely, shabby) imitation of her belly dancing moves. I've
always wanted to learn how to do it, but I could never find a class in my neck
of the woods. Belly dancers aren't a dime a dozen in Appalachia. And then I
came across a class in a town that was within driving distance. I concluded, on
the spot: I'm going to do this.
]]> Thu, 14 Jan 2010 07:01:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/diet-is-die-with-a-t-on-the-end.html The cabbage soup diet. Ever heard of it. No
Well at the risk of sounding vulgar, you've probably smelled it. And, allow me
to add that I hate cabbage now, but more on that shortly. I spent the majority
of my life being effortlessly slim, childless and eating whatever I
wanted. I smoked cigarettes like they'd been invented solely for my
pleasure and it was my personal duty to smoke as many as possible so as not to
appear ungrateful. I genuinely believed that fad diets were for people who had
to lsquo;do or die.'
Read More]]> Thu, 07 Jan 2010 07:02:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/a-weight-off-my-mind.html Here
I go again, 90lbs heavier than where all the lsquo;experts' tell me I should be. And
so for probably the 200th time in my 43 years, I am swallowing that
bitter pill named lsquo;diet.'
]]> Thu, 07 Jan 2010 07:01:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/surviving-swine-flu.html
There is
nothing as exhausting or angst-inducing as trying to meet a sick child's
relentless demands. Except, of course, when you are trying to do it while ill
yourself. And over forty. Oh dear me.


The fact
that my youngest succumbed to swine flu did come as something of a surprise
despite the known high infectivity of the H1N1 virus. He has Asperger's
syndrome and tends to shun close social contact with other children. This,
I decided with more than a little smugness, should mean that he was very likely
to avoid the indignities of swine flu. Unlike the rest of his sociable
classmates. How wrong I was. You may have remembered (unlike me) that
lsquo;sneezes spread diseases.'

Read More]]> Thu, 31 Dec 2009 07:02:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/cheers.html I've
always had a bit of a soft spot in my heart for New Year's Day. Well, a little
less so back in the day when I was so wretchedly hung over that I was certain
death was imminent. That's not to say that I can't knock back my share of beer
on New Year's Eve, or any other night, for that matter, but the Eve is not
nearly as important to me as the day after.
]]> Thu, 31 Dec 2009 07:01:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/turkey-for-one.html
It was
the 23rd of December. The office was filled with the sound of laughter. Outside,
the London streets darkened. We only had to grind out another hour, before
being released into the world, for a whole week of freedom. My colleagues and I
were in jolly mood.


Except,
that is, for Sally.

]]> Thu, 24 Dec 2009 07:02:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/christmas-without-money.html The thing I love best about Christmas is the scent
of pine, the lsquo;Charlie Brown Christmas' music playing non-stop, the hot chocolate
with mini marshmallows, the board games (enjoyed at a safe distance of three
feet in front of the portable heater), the afternoons spent baking (or in my
case, lighting the cookie-scented diffuser), and the lsquo;Merry Christmas!' gleefully
administered by complete strangers who won't give you the time of day during
the rest of the year.
]]> Thu, 24 Dec 2009 07:01:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/still-naughty-at-nearly-40.html
So, the clocks were recently wound back for Winter, but not far enough. For
2010 is my landmark year of turning 40 and my list of 'to
do's' left over from the 'By the time I'm 30...' has still not been completed.


We've all done it; catalogued every want and desire. The practical day
to day resolutions; lose weight, eat healthier, go greener; the ridiculously
unachievable (marry David Tennant), to the once in a lifetime experiences
of bungee jumping, world travelling and mountain climbing that you only think
of when a large numbered anniversaire
is hurtling towards you.

Read More]]> Thu, 17 Dec 2009 07:02:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/if-its-yoga-and-you-do-it-clap-your-hands.html
When I first
started teaching yoga 12 years ago, a rumor surfaced: lsquo;Cindi Pearce is altering minds in the basement of the Presbyterian
church.'


Suffice it
to say, if I could lsquo;alter minds' I would not be doing it in the Presbyterian
Church basement in bucolic, financially strapped, rural Greenfield, Ohio and
charging just enough to pay the rent. No, I would be center stage in an arena
filled with thousands of big-bucks paying customers. You know, like John Edward the ... conduit to the dead or ...
Sylvia Browne.

Read More]]> Thu, 17 Dec 2009 07:01:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/nine-to-five-friends.html
I have recently found myself in the unfortunate position of having to
choose whether to let my working life encroach on my personal life. Whether to
allow my 9-5 (ha) to spill over into evenings and weekends. Whether to
apologise to my close friends and family that I have other engagements and new
commitments.


Not that I have a job at the moment. So far, so confusing.

]]> Thu, 10 Dec 2009 07:02:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/riding-the-sexual-downslide.html
As I watched former Miss America Carrie
Prejean defending her reasoning behind sending naughty photos of herself to her
boyfriend a while ago, I realized some things have really changed.


Remember when we used to talk in terms of
bases, as in lsquo;Hey, I got to first base last night' Yeah, well, these days,
people are cutting to the chase and sending photos of their naughty bits to one
another. It seems as though this might be overkill when it comes to
celebrities, as most of them seem to run around town without their knickers
anyway. But who am I to judge

]]> Thu, 10 Dec 2009 07:01:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/fur-real.html
As I grew up there were some things that I swore I would
never do in life. The sort of things that it's easy to get impassioned about
when you're young, impressionable, and probably not very well informed. Some of
them stuck as I got older - not many, perhaps, but a few.

The biggest principle I've always sworn I would stand by,
come hell or high water, is that I would NEVER wear fur.
]]> Thu, 03 Dec 2009 07:02:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/office-cover-up.html OK. I admit it. Sometimes I work in the
nude. When I have a bright idea it just doesn't seem to matter that I'm
completely exposed. I have to put that idea on paper immediately. So I get to
my office naked, sit at the computer naked and write press releases naked. I
commute naked too. I'm not shy about it - although I have wondered from time to
time, in this world of Skype and iChat, if I might not be streaming my naked
self to everyone in my address book. Well, if that's the case, at least my
clients will know I'm working.
]]> Thu, 03 Dec 2009 07:01:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/combating-a-new-skill.html
Squeezing my nose up against the small window pane of the door, I
watched them with awe. And envy. Every now and again I caught a whiff of
perfume mixed with sweat whilst the music, pouring through the cracks, was
loud. The instructor was shouting and the class were punching the air and
kicking their legs.


This, I was informed, was Body Combat.

]]> Thu, 26 Nov 2009 07:02:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/the-rise-of-the-plus-size-model.html Like many 40-something women, I've noticed
I'm having to work a little harder to stay in the jeans' size I've always worn.
My already mannish waist seems to have taken on a life of its own and the
muffin top is but a doughnut away. While I accept my ageing bod, I don't think
it should also mean letting myself go on the health front, or necessarily
accepting a larger size.
]]> Thu, 26 Nov 2009 07:01:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/pelvic-floored.html
When I teach a yoga class, the end of the
session is one part I really look forward to. Undoubtedly some of my students
feel the same, albeit probably for different reasons.


For me, it's the time
when people come up and share little things that have happened, ask questions,
talk about their lives, have a few tears; whatever has come up for them in the
class. I get to know them a little better, and learn more about the incredible
potential of what I am trying to put across.

]]> Thu, 19 Nov 2009 07:02:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/a-sweaty-lovehate-thing.html
Heavy
breathing. Groaning. Moaning. Perspiration coursing down the body in rivulets,
dripping off in large sweaty glops. A low, soothing voice persuading you
to go deeper, be present, and maneuver your body into very unnatural
positions.


Sound
like a rousing, great bout of sex Nope. It's Bikram Yoga.

]]> Thu, 19 Nov 2009 07:01:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/the-man-cold.html What is it about men and illness Or rather, what is it about my reaction to my
husband when he's ill I would like to start by saying (your honour) that I am not a sociopath. I do possess the ability to empathise with other human beings,
sometimes to a fault. I give to charities. I put myself out for friends. I will
sit and read lsquo;Treasure Island' to my son and not only translate the long words
for him but do all the voices as well.
(Did you know all pirates are Cornish Well, they are here, anyway...) I make shortbread for my father-in-law, I give
to telethons. But once or twice every
year I am reminded that no matter how nice a person I like to think I am, when
it comes right down to it, I can be as unfeeling as the least... Read More]]> Thu, 12 Nov 2009 07:02:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/ab-flab.html Late one afternoon my husband and I decided
to sneak away from our three children, for some well deserved 'quiet time.' We fell
amorously into bed. Feeling sexy and in the mood for danger, I decided it was
time to change positions. Mission style, move over! I felt courageous as I slowly
mounted my husband from above, and took over the reins. God, it felt good to be on top again. From
the look on my husband's face, I'd say he agreed.
Read More]]> Thu, 12 Nov 2009 07:01:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/much-ado-about-nothing.html I think it's a good idea, but I am going to have to quarantine you.'

My friend nodded seriously, lsquo;That's fine, I'd expected that. What do you
think, 10 days in a tent in the garden'


I pondered, lsquo;Yes, that should do it, I'll be able to leave food for you
in a box outside the back door.'


We smiled at each other, relieved that we'd got it sorted.

]]> Thu, 05 Nov 2009 07:02:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/kegels-anyone.html
There's a new dance move in my repertoire,
it's called lsquo;sneezing with crossed legs.'


As I get older, I've discovered it is of
utmost importance to do this particular move, unless I want the embarrassing
wet patch or have a clean pair of knickers on hand.


You might be familiar with it yourself;
it's a leftover attribute of having a bowling ball sit inside your uterus, on
top of your bladder, which you then push out through a very small opening.

]]> Thu, 05 Nov 2009 07:01:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/brief-encounter.html Never mind falling share
prices, High Street shops could easily revive their sagging fortunes by
launching a range of off-white cotton underwear. It would, after all, save the
disappointment of purchasing brilliant white knickers one day only for them to
lose their lustre after a quick spell in a 30deg;C rinse
the next.
]]> Thu, 29 Oct 2009 07:02:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/what-do-you-mean-its-stuck.html
Just about as much fun as getting a tooth pulled.


That is how I feel when I am scheduled for the yearly lsquo;look under the hood'
appointment at the ob/gyn office. I literally cringe. It is not because I don't
like these people, it's because I am there with my hoo-ha exposed and getting looked
at as if I am a piece of meat at the deli. I know that they supposedly all look
alike, but I do like to think mine looks, well, for 52 years old, I want it to
look like it hasn't been around the
block a time or two. I want it to somehow look like a guy's well-defined abs. I
want it to be lsquo;in shape.'

Read More]]> Thu, 29 Oct 2009 07:01:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/a-coat-with-a-hood.html
So, you heard it here first; last week, I officially entered
middle-age. There I was, skipping along, thinking I was still young and hip,
thinking I could still cut it, that in a good light after plenty of sleep and
with unlimited access to clothes that have actually been ironed, I could even
be thought of as - whisper it - a little bit stylish, when out of the blue, BAM! Mother Middle Age came a-knocking and I let her in. I'm still reeling now,
actually. Could I have avoided it I've asked myself that question a thousand
times, and the answer is probably lsquo;No.'
It was time. I needed to stop messing about and bite the bullet, so I did it.


I bought myself a coat with a hood.

]]> Thu, 22 Oct 2009 06:02:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/batteries-not-included.html Since New England was founded by Puritans,
it's hardly surprising that the opening of our first (and, to date, only) local
sex shop was greeted with outrage. Despite the fact that it's on a major
highway with no foot traffic, the outcry about the decline of moral standards
and youth corruption was deafening so, of course, I had to see it for myself. After
all, I grew up in London and worked in Soho at the only business on Old Compton
Street that was not a sex shop, so this little field trip should be no big
deal.
]]> Thu, 22 Oct 2009 06:01:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/slip-of-the-tongue.html I was walking an elderly gent around my garden the
other day, talking him through all the plants and shrubs. The father of a
friend of mine, he is a keen and knowledgeable plantsman. We were having a nice
time, swapping tips and techniques. Afterwards, I sat him down in the cuisine d'eacute;teacute;, poured us a cup of Assam
and cut him a slice of apple and walnut cake. It was all very civilised. For
the most fleeting of moments, I felt quite the English gentlewoman.
]]> Thu, 15 Oct 2009 06:02:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/colonoscopy-cabaret.html It was a week filled with firsts. On Friday evening I would perform
my first one-woman cabaret show at a club in New York filled with friends,
critics and colleagues. And prior to that, on Monday morning, I was scheduled
for my first routine colonoscopy. If asked which scared me most; an hour
onstage, alone, singing fourteen songs I'd never before sung in public, or a
ten minute procedure during which I'd be fast asleep, I would choose the
latter. Definitely the latter.
]]> Thu, 15 Oct 2009 06:01:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/straight-and-curlies.html
lsquo;Now you look just like everyone else,' my mother snipped at me, when I
showed up after a session with the hair straighteners.


The transformation of my explosion of curls into a docile shining sheet
that needed no morning wrestling match, was a God-given advance in technology
to me. But she meant it as an insult. Individuality, of the classy intelligent
kind, not the raving bonkers kind, was a sought-after commodity in the eyes of
both my parents.

]]> Thu, 08 Oct 2009 06:02:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/the-politics-of-hair.html
My friend, and hairdresser, instructed me on the eve
of my 50th birthday that there was no way I could continue wearing my
hair as I was wearing it after I'd reached the big 5-0.


I like my hairdresser, still do, but I ignored her. Her advice was unsolicited
albeit well intended. I suppose she was trying to save me from myself but, as
far as I'm concerned, I don't need saved. I politely thanked her but didn't
capitulate and allow myself to be coiffed and shorn into a more presentable
lsquo;matron.'

Read More]]> Thu, 08 Oct 2009 06:01:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/a-rule-book-for-dying.html I went to a 40th birthday party recently. It was my favourite
kind; a celebration of the 70's, fancy dress obligatory. My husband and I
partied in platforms from 8 till 3 to the vibes of Gloria Gaynor, Don McClean
and John Paul Young. The following week we hobbled, nursing respectively a
cricked back and neck. The cruel blow of middle age is that you can still party
like you're 20, but it takes you a week to recover. You don't need to be told
that you are no longer young, you feel it in your knee joints and in how young
the police are looking these days. But in middle age, we don't think we're
close to death because there's still so much more living to do. Or so we think...
Read More]]> Thu, 01 Oct 2009 06:02:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/no-mother-i-am-not-30-years-old-any-more.html
My
mother, who is 80, recently informed me over the phone that I'm not 30 years
old anymore. I'm well aware of that. I know that she didn't give birth to me
when she was 50. In addition, I have a child who is nearly 30 so ... do the math.


She made
this lsquo;enlightening' comment after she learned that I had spent most of the day
taking care of my 6-month-old granddaughter, which isn't a chore, but a
pleasure.

]]> Thu, 01 Oct 2009 06:01:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/its-almost-that-time-of-year-again.html
I hate to
mention this, but in the not-too-distant future we are going to turn the clocks
back and gain an extra hour. Now, while all this is well and good, I don't
think it's nearly enough. How about gaining an extra hour every week or how
about every single day Why, with the Christmas and Hanukkah holidays coming
upon us like a speeding train, who couldn't use a little extra time


Guy Fawkes, and the ghosts and goblins of
Halloween all pounce upon us at summer's end, and before they are tucked safely
away, it's time to trim the Christmas tree, dust off the cookbooks, and e-mail
seasonal wishes to everyone you've ever known.

]]> Thu, 24 Sep 2009 06:02:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/swim-junkie.html
I'm not a
gym junkie, I'm a swim junkie.


Well, sort
of. No, I don't get up at 4am every morning and train for a couple of hours.
Nor do I swim several kilometres across a lake or harbour every day either. I'm
not in that league.


But in
terms of addiction, I'm hooked on my twice a week adult swim squad. I drive
home in a rush of endorphins, and I've even heard myself saying out loud lsquo;I
feel fing fantastic!'

]]> Thu, 24 Sep 2009 06:01:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/walking-in-the-air.html
Hands up
who has some sort of exercise machine sitting unused somewhere in your house.
Or shed.


Unused, I said. If you actually use yours regularly,
you can put your hand down (and wander off now so that you don't make the rest
of us feel inferior).


Yep, still quite
a lot of us, isn't there We could form a club. A lsquo;what on earth was I bloody thinking'
club.


Oh, we knew
it wasn't a smart purchase. We'd possibly even made the same mistake before.
But this time it'd be different. This machine would be the ants pants. (The ads
said so!) This time we were serious.


Or
desperate. And totally deluded.


The
lsquo;air-walker' machine that still graces our (thankfully quite... Read More]]> Thu, 17 Sep 2009 06:02:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/showing-off-the-girls.html
I am going to a barbeque this afternoon - a
party given by my dear friend and business partner. It's very hot outside, much
like the late summer's day just a year ago when she got married. And once again
I'm wondering what to wear. The multi-colored kimono top No. I usually need
duct tape to keep my bra straps out of sight and on a day as warm as today - the
risk of a gooey duct tape melt-down is extreme. The embroidered blouse made of
bamboo No. It's tight across the bust causing a gap in between the buttons. A
bit of bra is exposed and about an inch of pale flesh. Yuck. The stretchy black
and white asymmetrical sweater No. That one shows muffin top. When did I grow
a muffin top OK, let me try on the navy cotton empire thing. That's cute,... Read More]]> Thu, 17 Sep 2009 06:01:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/wheres-my-cosmo.html


I'm feeling bereft.
Or is it invisible Because apparently women of over 40 don't need
representation in the glossy magazines market. At least, not any representation that I'm quite ready to admit to needing,
anyway. So after fruitlessly perusing
the newsagents' shelves, overwhelmed by the number of titles out there and
finding none that I want, I'm thinking of placing an ad. It would run:


'Wanted: Short-term thick and glossy magazine for fun,
frolics and opportunistic monthly spending of hard-won moolah.


Must contain a minimum
of 100 pages of head-turning fashion,
food and interesting articles suitable for women who have proper appetites,
intelligent thoughts, and are no longer... Read More]]> Thu, 10 Sep 2009 06:02:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/even-angels-have-big-boobs.html
I am a work in
progress. I read my self-help books, and go to my Women's Group every week. I
look in the mirror and do my best to focus on the lsquo;good things.' I embrace my
lsquo;new shape'....


...and assure myself that in my next life I will
come back as a Brazilian model with gorgeous skin, a natural ability to sing
and an ample bust. Whatever gets you through the day, you know


Ah yes, the much
discussed, and famous female body bits: the bust, boobs, fun bags, bosoms,
dirty pillows (my least favorite, I always think of a pillow with those
yellowing drool marks on them) and whatever else we humans come up with to name
and rename the simple BREASTS.


I am one of the
many small-chested women that... Read More]]> Thu, 10 Sep 2009 06:01:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/mid-life-half-marathon.html
What is it that
drives women of a certain age to embark on crazy challenges Have you got
friends that have pledged to hike the Annapurnas in aid of a hospice Or acquaintances
that are having liposuction to help starving orphans in Venezuela I have. And
not so long ago, I had my own bout of insanity which involved agreeing to run a
half-marathon.


I confess that one
reason for doing it was vanity and that I might lose some weight. I knew that
training for a half-marathon involved running for miles and miles, week in,
week out so I reasoned that it must also equate to weight loss. Unfortunately,
when you run for miles, you get really hungry. So you eat pizza and ice-cream
and drink a bottle of wine. You deserve it and you need it,... Read More]]> Thu, 03 Sep 2009 06:02:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/apples-and-pears.html
Like most women in their 40s, trying to
stay in shape is a way of life for me, albeit one of the darker elements. I work out regularly (mixing cardio with
strengthening work, like they tell you to) but usually find myself yelling lsquo;Why, oh why' as I pound away on the
treadmill, promising my first born if only the thirty minute session would
somehow come to a sudden and permanent end.


What keeps me going I really haven't found
one form of exercise that I can say, with hand on heart, I remotely enjoy. I
don't bake, because I don't enjoy it, so what's keeping me tied to a workout
schedule To be honest I vacillate between the vanity and health incentives
every day. The vanity thing is fairly sporadic as anyone who sees me on... Read More]]> Thu, 03 Sep 2009 06:01:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/fatty-to-thinny.html



In our teens and early twenties we were already programmed.
Fat was bad, thin was in, and at that age most of us didn't have to worry. Oh,
we could pretend - buy into the kudos of celery for lunch, but we still went
home for meat and two veg and apple crumble, and stayed pretty much the same
shape. We could scurry around the outskirts of a diet, vaguely wondering if our
thighs were the right size, but just as vaguely doing nothing about it.


But, later on in life, and cue children, relationships,
aging parents, work commitments, stress and other limitations that left pretty
much zero time for ourselves, nearly all of us began to see the weight creep
on. Our waist lines thickened and the attempts to do something about it... Read More]]> Thu, 27 Aug 2009 06:02:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/on-all-fours.html
Ok, so I'm hairy.


I'll just come
right out with it: I have a lot of hair.


Now the head is a
great place for a lot of hair; eyelashes, yes, also wonderful; arms...mmm don't
mind at all; legs...not so great; bikini line...well let's just say, yuck,
teetering on gross.


So when I found a
lsquo;free leg and bikini wax' coupon at the bottom of a gift bag, I thought: Finally, the chance to put some things right with the old hair displacement
problem.


For some reason,
which can only be blamed on age and hormones, my bikini line seems to have
spread nearly down to my knees.


Probably like most
women, I have tried every kind of depilatory cream and gadget and even strange
sandpapery... Read More]]> Thu, 27 Aug 2009 06:01:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/the-mysterious-craft-of-joseph-pilates.html
Given the
choice between a cross country run in the rain through muddy woodland, and a
calming seacute;ance of yoga, I would take the former. I was raised to believe that
wet, windy, cold and dirty is the best way to exercise, be it on the netball
court, briskly walking the dog or pounding up and down a 50 metre pool. Unless
it really hurts and your face is puce, it ain't doing you any good.


I still
subscribe more or less to that school of thought, but then someone told me
about Pilates. lsquo;It's for your tummy', they said. lsquo;And it will also strengthen
your back'. As I caressed the blancmange that used to be my stomach and
massaged my aching lower back, I knew that I needed Pilates in my life. When a
friend gathered five... Read More]]> Thu, 20 Aug 2009 06:02:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/perchance-to-dream.html
I loathe flying. From the shoeless shuffle though security to the
anxious wait at the baggage carousel, I detest it all. But the part I hate most
is being 35,000 feet in the air without a parachute or any way to land the
plane in case both pilots keel over. OK,
I may not be what's commonly known as a lsquo;white knuckler,' immobilized with
terror at the sight of a plane, but I may be considered an lsquo;ecru knuckler,'
frightened by every dip and bump of the aircraft and constantly listening for
any odd ping or whir of the engine.


Now, I'm sure you're thinking that my fears are simple ones to
address. A cocktail or a little pill would do the trick. For you, maybe. But
each time I get a drink I end up bathed in alcohol as we encounter... Read More]]> Thu, 20 Aug 2009 06:01:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/exercise-and-me.html
Exercise and me. We've never had what you might call a lsquo;loving' relationship. I blame my
parents; I come from a family who disdained it, who spent more time sucking up
to Culture, Conversation and Plain Healthy Living than they did rolling balls
to me when I was a baby, and on receiving my school report the last thing they
bothered to check out was my mark for Physical Education.


After a couple of brief flirtations with Exercise at college
and again in my early twenties ( both of which ended at about the same time as
the relationships with the sporty blokes I was trying to impress) I forgot all
about my trainers for the next few years and ignored it completely. I spent my spare time with the sofa, and
concentrated on policing my... Read More]]> Thu, 13 Aug 2009 06:02:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/bikini-baby-mama.html
As my mother always laments,lsquo;Youth is wasted on the
young' and, sad to say, I was no exception. Self-conscious about my body - like 99 of women are (okay so I am not 100 sure on that statistic) - I spent a small
fortune on revolutionary treatments and miracle elixirs only to be left feeling
dejected and mortally wounded when my face/legs/body failed to
transform/extend/morph into Heidi Klum's likeness.


And while I am a summer person to the core (cold winter days wreak havoc on my
psyche), the one thing I could never bring myself to do in all my glorious
youth was don a bikini. Like most girls, I voraciously read all the glossy
articles about picking the lsquo;swimsuit that's right for you.' But I was staunchly
convinced that... Read More]]> Thu, 13 Aug 2009 06:01:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/warning-hot-flashes-ahead.html
It used to be that a hot guy could turn my body upside down, filling me
with anxiety and making it hard to think straight. As the adrenaline
rushed through my veins, my heart would pump loudly and I'd forget what
I was trying to say, mumble something incoherent and hope that my smile
was getting to him the same way he was getting to me.


Nowadays, I still have anxious moments where my adrenaline pumps
quickly and my heart pounds loudly. I quite frequently lose my train of
thought, not to mention a particular word. And I often mumble
incoherently, causing those around me to think I've entered early
Alzheimer's.

Unfortunately, this time around, it's not because of a hot guy, but...
]]> Thu, 06 Aug 2009 06:02:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/winter-wardrobe.html
Its winter here in Australia at the moment. The temperature today is a fresh 18oC. OK so it may not be like the harsh winters of the northern hemisphere, where you need to wear enough pairs of explorer socks to cut off the blood supply to your feet, in order to brave the outside world. But there is definitely an edge of 'winterism' in the air.


It took me, hmm, probably three years to recognise it as winter. Before that I was the one who would still be wearing tee-shirts and telling the locals how wimpy they were in their fleece jackets and scarves.


But this year, it has officially hit me.... I am cold. So cold have I been, that after a chronic bout of pneumonia, I have invested in oil filled heaters for my... Read More]]> Thu, 06 Aug 2009 06:01:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/hair-today.html
I'm willing to bet that if you visit Powder Room Graffiti regularly, you are a feisty sort of bird. You don't take any messing about. You don't suffer fools gladly. And you certainly know how to stand up for yourself. No shrinking violet, you.


And yet...


I'm also willing to bet that there is one person in your life who you really don't want to upset. Whose toes you never want to tread on, and for whom you will swallow the pithiest of put-downs and paint on the weakest of smiles as you fawn pathetically around them. Oh yes. You know who it is already, don't you


Your hairdresser. Who is - in my considered opinion - far more likely to be able to reduce you to impotent tears of rage than your mother-in-law ever was (even in those far-distant... Read More]]> Thu, 30 Jul 2009 06:02:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/dying-to-be-red.html
My hair has a mind all its own. It does precisely what it wants to do. Most days, it's a mass of coarse curls that resemble a jumble of copper wire. I may coax it into submission with products that calm it, smooth it, and anchor it, but I have no illusions. These are just temporary measures, an arsenal of beauty weaponry in a life-long battle. I may control my locks for a short time but they wait patiently to be set free by any hint of breeze, drizzle or humidity. When that happens, the strands expand exponentially, the curls unfurling into clusters of tangled tendrils and poufs of frizz. Red frizz. From the time I was born, my hair was an unusually bright red. No one ever called it strawberry blonde or auburn. It was as red as hair could possibly be.


I knew early on... Read More]]> Thu, 30 Jul 2009 06:01:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/return-to-the-planet-of-the-apes.html
Ladies, are you looking to find a way to reduce your age Perhaps you've considered Botox or collagen or a little nip here or a tuck there After all, what's the point in looking your age if you don't feel it


But before you pick up the phone to your plastic surgeon, consider the following cautionary tale:


The other night some friends and I were out enjoying a meal and a bottle or five of white wine. As we looked around, we discovered that although collectively aged over 300, we were among the youngest in the place. The golden oldies also were divided into two distinct groups. On one side we had lsquo;Cocoon-ites' - people who looked their age but definitely didn't feel it. They kept their wrinkles intact but dressed like their granddaughters. Listen,... Read More]]> Thu, 23 Jul 2009 06:02:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/csi-cream-scene-investigation.html
As we approach forty and beyond, we begin to look at ourselves differently. Whereas our faces used to require one cleanser, one moisturizer and we were good to go; well, now it's another story.


Lined up on my shelf are a variety of creams, gels, lotions, vitamins and fluids with promises to firm up, reduce puffiness, erase lines, tighten skin, wipe away wrinkles, restore elasticity, hydrate, energize, revitalize and even hypnotize my face into looking younger. You name it: I've bought it. If product X doesn't take away that wrinkle under my eye, product Y is sure to do the job.


One too many times I've fallen for that facial trick at the mall. You know, where the cosmetician applies the miracle cream to only one side of your face. We all know that... Read More]]> Thu, 23 Jul 2009 06:01:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/mind-the-reality-gap.html
It's that time of year again. The time when I start to realise that control top tights and Spanx pants, whilst clearly a gift from God for most of the year, are not going to cut the mustard for very much longer.


Why Because, as sure as night follows day, the Waterloo of all women over 25 years of age is approaching. The summer holiday will soon be upon us - and I just know that it's going to send me falling headlong into the lsquo;Reality Gap' once again.


At the grand old age of lsquo;thirty-twelve' the Reality Gap sneaks up on me every year when I prepare to bare by the swimming pool. It is the difference between how I see myself in my mind's eye - young, toned, free of cellulite and the ravages of too many full-fat latte's - and how I... Read More]]> Thu, 16 Jul 2009 06:02:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/tanning-choices.html
In your forties you are hit with some critical life choices. Deciding which subjects to study, whether to continue a certain on-again-off-again relationship, if and when to have children, all pale in comparison with the forties dilemmas:


To tan or not I know, I know, tanning is extremely dangerous, and I'm not a proponent. Blessed with a blue-ish white complexion, I have learnt my lesson time and time again. A dark puce face is not attractive, even less so when lsquo;concealer' is applied. However, forties skin doesn't have the same youthful sheen it once had; it may even be accompanied by its soul-mate, cellulite. At this point the wicked Fairy Tan Mother whispers in your ear that all your problems will magically disappear with a lsquo;bit of colour.' ... Read More]]> Thu, 16 Jul 2009 06:01:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/linen-lunacy.html
You may have shelled out a fortune on it, but quite frankly, you look a mess. No matter that it's a pretty shade of blue, that it looked wonderful in the shop, that the sales assistant promised you lsquo;the natural fibres will allow your congested pores to exhale'. The only thing anyone will focus on is the fact that your outfit is so creased and devoid of shape, you are instantly dismissed as a bin-rifler.


It is an impossible feat to achieve a crisp, groomed or sleek profile wearing linen. If you're considering a linen ensemble for that August wedding, I'm telling you right now, Don't do it! You'll be lucky if you make it past the ushers without them calling security. And if you have a bloke in tow, ban him from wearing an ecru linen suit. Yes, I know the idea is... Read More]]> Thu, 09 Jul 2009 06:02:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/cancelling-out-the-frump-factor.html
You might have read on Vogue UK's web site: ready or not, the jump suit is back on our fashion radar.' Look in the magazines and have a Google - it's everywhere. Sigh, moan, weep and wail. Yet another fashion item that shouldn't have been worn the first time around and certainly isn't suitable for women over,... ooh, about 22.


And before any photos surface, I owned one of these numbers back in the early 80's. At that time, it was called (in the UK at least) a boilersuit' but if you Google that term now you'll read only of Ghostbusters, workwear and woven steel panels. (Try it.) The secret then, as now, was to have basically no shape - Bingo! With no identifiable waist or hips, and fairly thin thighs, that little number was made for me. While I still have relatively... Read More]]> Thu, 09 Jul 2009 06:01:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/raging-cow.html
I am suffering acute pain with Playmobil toe. Nobody is offering any sympathy. The dreadful conditions and long hours I am expected to toil in this shithole contravene just about any European Union human rights directive you care to mention. I am being ignored. My moans fall on deaf ears. My hobbling laughed at. I feel worthless. Unloved. What is the point


Could it be Yes, I'm afraid so. Whatever you do, don't look me in the eye.


I am slumped on the sofa, swaddled in self-pity. Littered at my feet are further tell tale signs of my condition. Chocolate wrappers and biscuit crumbs attract children and small animals in equal measure. They scurry away, petrified by my she-bear roar.


And there's the bloating. It's a dreadful feeling. Like I've... Read More]]> Thu, 02 Jul 2009 06:02:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/once-upon-a-sleeping-pill.html
In an attempt to combat my insomniac tendencies over the years, I tried taking pills ending in the letters lsquo;PM.' But goodness gracious, they took eons to work and then left me feeling drowsy until the latter part of the next day. I mean, what's the point in feeling loopy for most of the day when you only want to feel that way when it is actually time to go to sleep And yes, I did try taking PM's (as sleep sufferers refer to them) earlier in the evening and was groggy in time for bed, but I was still left feeling less than conscious for most of the following day.


lsquo;Is there any underlying reason we need to explore as to why you need to take sleeping pills' my concerned physician asked me. I could hear clearly from the tone of her voice that she was seriously... Read More]]> Thu, 02 Jul 2009 06:01:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/wheres-the-rub.html
Beat the bologna, buff the banana, charm the snake, stroke the one-eyed burping gecko, thump the pump, varnish the flagpole, wax the dolphin, wrestle the eel, yank your plank. There are thousands of euphemisms for male masturbation - all of them indicating a kind of wrestling to the ground of one's manhood, a kind of taming of an out of control sexual organ and an out of control sexual urge. Contrast this if you will with the relatively few slang phrases for female masturbation which include frigging, fingering, diddling, jilling off, petting the kitty, flicking the bean, rolling the trackball, tickling the tulips, and unbuttoning the fur coat, all of which have a much more touchy feely vibe to them.


The attitude to male masturbation is that most men freely talk about... Read More]]> Thu, 25 Jun 2009 06:02:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/dear-body.html
To: The Body


From: Your Brain


Subject: Your Performance


Body,


My apologies for putting this in writing, but I feel that this is probably the only way to communicate with you right now. I am well aware that given your current fragile state a verbal conversation will be a waste of time; in one ear and out of the other. Literally.


Why the note Well, I wanted to express my disappointment in your performance over the last 24 hours.


When the opportunity came up to escape your responsibilities for a whole weekend on a girls-only hockey club reunion, I believe we were both well aware of the pressures involved. Spending a significant amount of time among people with whom we used to party hard in our... Read More]]> Thu, 25 Jun 2009 06:01:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/cycling-101.html
You can tell summer is knocking on the door of our part of London. Not from the plethora of sunglasses on tops of heads. Nor from the increasing numbers of ill-advised bare legs and fit flops issuing from Tube stations at full pelt, as the wearers realise that the warm and balmy morning they gloried in when they boarded the Tube has transformed itself into a cold and wintry shower.


No, you can tell summer is nearly here simply from the number of cyclists on the streets.


Now, I have to come clean here. I own a bike. And I am a Fair Weather Cyclist. Yes, I too have suffered the peculiar form of crazy that causes one to wake up on a sunny day and think: lsquo;Oh, the weather's wonderful! I know, I've got a spiffing idea! I'm going to cycle to work today!'... Read More]]> Thu, 18 Jun 2009 06:02:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/yoga-for-health-and-humility.html I adore yoga. In graduate school I took a one-unit yoga class in the
hopes it would reduce my stress and put me in touch with a deeper part
of myself. I learnt the fundamental poses, which I have put to good use
through the years: 'cobra' when I couldn't sleep, 'fallen leaf' to
stretch my lower back and 'rabbit' when my shoulders needed stretching.
]]> Thu, 18 Jun 2009 06:01:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/perineal-re-education.html During a routine visit to my French doctor, she enquired after my perineum. As you do. She was horrified to learn that I'd given birth to four children, but had not been for my perineal re-education. Err, pardon

After childbirth, French women have their pelvic floor lsquo;re-educated.' I asked what this involves, but I only received vague answers. lsquo;Oh they give you balls to practice with. You can take them home,' said a friend. My mind boggled, just how big a ball were we talking, and what did you do with them at home A friend of a friend claimed that it had done wonders for her sex life. It was a tempting thought, but at the same time I was confused. Haven't generations of British women got by without this bizarre practice Our mothers and grandmothers gave birth in the... Read More]]> Thu, 11 Jun 2009 06:02:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/designer-vaginas.html Time was when sprucing up your vagina before a hot date was a case of a quick trim with a pair of nail scissors or giving it a dye job so that collars and cuffs matched. But not any more. The Designer Vagina has evolved to make asymmetrical labia everywhere hang their heads in shame. From labioplasty surgery to the hoodectomy (snipping bits off the clitoral hood), no surgery is too ridiculous for the fashionable vagina about town.

The porn movie trend of shaving women's vaginas meant that suddenly we could see them in all their glory and start comparing our real life genitals - and finding them wanting. While most of us didn't give a hoot, it caused other more insecure souls to decide that if a nip and tuck above the waist was not enough, a surgeon might as well venture further... Read More]]> Thu, 11 Jun 2009 06:01:00 +0000 http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/feel-it/out-to-impresswho.html When it comes to body maintenance, another area for vacillation and debate is lsquo;Who am I doing this for' Now, I know, being an educated, strong, roaring woman and all that, I'm supposed to say lsquo;Me, Myself and I', (preferably while strumming a twelve-string guitar and chewing on hemp) but I'm wondering if that's a totally honest answer. Obviously, the main beneficiary of a healthy lifestyle is my good self, followed closely by my children, unless I'm having a really bad day and then they might politely disagree.

While my (not exactly punishing) physical fitness routine is intended to help keep me alive, the incentive for my overall appearance regime is rather less clear. I can't really say I'm doing it lsquo;for me', since every other morning I throw on something from... Read More]]> Fri, 05 Jun 2009 01:01:00 +0000