by Janie Emaus (Fri Nov 20, 2009)
During this time of the year
one man in particular starts to get all the attention. Yes, Santa Claus is no
stranger to the limelight, but as we all know, behind every successful man
stands an even more successful, understanding and brilliant woman. So who is
Mrs Claus? And how does she feel about the supportive role she plays in the
life of her husband?
I caught up with the season's
most unsung heroine a few days ago at the Red Nose Saloon where she was taking
a break from programming a GPS system for her husband. Over a few extra dry martinis, she happily agreed
to give me this exclusive interview.
JE: So, tell me Mrs. Claus, what's it like being
married to a Seasonal Superstar?
Mrs. Claus: Well, to be quite honest, it's far from jolly.
I've tried putting him on a diet but every year I swear, I have to add another
panel to his goddamn suit. It's bad enough that I have to work for months to
get rid of the smoky smell. If he insists on going down chimneys, I don't know
why he won't wear the dark suit I made for him.
JE: So, this is a very busy
time for you, I gather.
Mrs. Claus: You don't know the half of it. I much prefer
Valentine's day. That's when we have the entire Pole all to ourselves. If you
know what I mean.
JE: Yes, I can tell by your
smile that you haven't lost that lovin' feeling. Was it love at first sight
between the two of you?
At this question, Mrs. Claus laughed
like a hyena before answering.
Mrs. Claus: It was actually his lap which drew me to him.
I fell in love at first bounce. Right
then, I knew we were soul mates.
JE: So what is your typical day
like at this time of year?
Mrs. Claus: Well, I usually get up around 6:30. Put on a
pot of coffee. Check emails. Then I go
to the mailroom and make sure it's all running smoothly before heading over to
the workshop. Around 8:30, I wake up his highness, who claims he needs his beauty
rest this time of year. Like anyone even sees him making his deliveries!
JE: Do you help with the toy production?
Mrs. Claus: Most definitely. But even more importantly,
if it weren't for me, the presents wouldn't be delivered on time.
JE: Why is that?
Mrs. Claus: Because I'm just now perfecting his new GPS system.
Like any man, he's so darn stubborn, he won't stop and ask for directions. Every
year he gets lost somewhere around the tropics.
JE: So, not only are you a seamstress but a
computer programmer as well? You're quite an amazing woman. What other talents
to you have up your sleeve?
Mrs. Claus: Well, along with longitudes and latitudes I'm
adding a few attitude reminders to the system. You know, little sayings such
as... ‘Keep smiling. You're halfway there. I'll be waiting up for you. Keep on
sleddin. I've been a good girl, so let's get naughty when you get back.' Anything
to stop him slugging back too much
sherry and homemade cookies on his rounds.
JE: Sounds like you pretty much run the show on
Christmas Eve.
Mrs. Claus: I'm a Taurus, you know. But I'm not as stubborn
as they say. I just like things done my way. And my way makes Christmas Eve a
success...year after year after year.
JE: What do you do in your spare time? That is if
you have any.
Mrs. Claus: I've started a blog. Tonight I'm chatting
about Men with Beards and The Women Who Love Them. You should log on. You know,
you might learn a thing or two.
At this point in our interview
her cell phone rang playing the song ‘Santa Claus Is Coming To Town.'
JE: I like your ring tone.
Mrs. Claus: Well, actually, it has a different meaning
for me than the rest of the world.
JE: I'm sure it does.
Mrs. Claus: Look I'm really sorry - I have to go. The
elves have downed tools once again. He has no idea how to manage them properly
- won't accept that they are fully unionised now. You can't have them working all
through the night any more. Men. They all think they are so smart. The trick,
which really isn't all that hard, is to make them think they're the ones making
the decisions.
JE: No problem. Perhaps we can
continue this another time? I know there are a lot of women who could benefit
from your wisdom.
Mrs. Claus: It would be my pleasure. I'll check my
BlackBerry and get back to you.
With that Mrs. Claus downed her
martini in one gulp, and headed back to work. Her husband might be the one
getting all the glory, but clearly without Mrs. Claus, Christmas morning
wouldn't be quite the way we know it.
