by Mel (Tue Feb 02, 2010)
People assume that because I have four
children, I know what I am doing. They shake their heads admiringly and say,
‘How do you do it?' They think I'm being modest when I tell them I'm often crap
at my job and frequently lose my temper. But ten years of being a Mum has
taught me just one thing: I don't know much about parenting. This is especially
true when it comes to my 10-year-old daughter; she's at that slippery age where
she's no longer a child, not quite a teenager, but desperate to be an adult.
She's a brilliant daughter, but from time
to time we have big bust-ups that remind me again that I'm flailing as a Mum. We
had one recently that lasted for days and produced some pretty shameful
behaviour on my part. I finally pulled myself together, sat down with her and
gave her a no-holds-barred apology. (As opposed to those fake apologies us Mums
are good at; ‘I'm sorry I did that, but you know you really were acting
badly...' etc etc) True humility works like a magic charm on my daughter. She
instantly forgave me and then started telling me the stuff that she'd been
desperate to share with me all week; the auditions for the school play that
were looming, should she get layers cut into her hair, when could she buy a new
watch, etc, etc.
As soon as I'd dropped her at school that
day I knew what I had to do; dig out my copy of 'Tweens'
and do some revision. I found this book on Amazon when I was having one of my
parenting crises, and it is invaluable. Andrea Clifford-Poston is a child and
family therapist and this book draws on her 30 years of experience working with
families. She has written this book to address the needs of children aged
between 8 and 12 and the parenting issues that arise when you have a child of
this age. This is not a prescriptive parenting book; you won't find rules or a
blueprint. It uses real-life examples that have come up in sessions with
parents and children, explains how both sides felt and what conclusions were
reached. For example:
‘My ten year old has become extremely
defiant and punishments seem to make no difference...what can we do?' Jake's
Father
‘I don't know what's happened....but I do
know I used to sing around the house a lot and now I don't any more...' 11-year-old
‘There's got to be a better way than just
yelling back at her...but that's how it always is, I get so stressed...' Mother of 11-year-old Minty
The discussion of how families have
resolved their issues is interspersed with the theory behind what you and your
tween are experiencing. This ranges from what a mobile phone represents to your
tween, to the impact on them of death and divorce. The chapter on
privacy/bedrooms and in particular messy bedrooms makes for interesting reading
(it's an ongoing issue in our house). The author confesses to being ‘..puzzled why so many
parents take on this battle of the bedroom. It is a cause hardly worth
fighting, so why do so many parents try?' She goes on to say that
this particular battle could be more about the parent's feeling of rejection
(when the tween prefers their bedroom to the family room) and loss of power. Does
this mean I have to let go and allow my daughter to live in a pit?
What I love about this book is that I'm not
being told what to think, but my beliefs and assumptions are being challenged.
It is a thought provoking read in bite-sized sections, and is easy to pick up
before, during or after a hormonal crisis (yours or your tween's). Perhaps the
best bit is realising that the fights you are fighting with your tween are
being fought up and down the western world on a daily basis. So the next time
your house is reverberating with slamming doors and out of control shouting,
grab your copy of this book, pour a large glass of wine (optional), retreat to
a safe distance and try to find the answer to your problems. It beats screaming
back at your tween hands down.
