by Mel Heth (Mon Feb 08, 2010)
Ever noticed how, at
the end of a difficult relationship, you sometimes find yourself attracted to
the complete opposite of the man you just loved? As if you've gone through the
looking glass and upside-down is the new rightside-up and backward is the new
forward?
A funny thing happens when love affairs begin fizzling out and we start opening
our eyes to new prospects. I think many of us don't open our eyes enough. We
peek through narrow slits, seeing only three choices in front of us: a
relationship with the last guy, a relationship with someone who is his polar
extreme, or a life of loneliness.
When my sister was 23-years-old, she married and quickly divorced her teenage
sweetheart - a big-hearted guy who was hefty, slovenly and drank too much.
Instead of working through her pain solo, when she moved out of their house,
she began dating an uptight, perfectly sculpted, my-body-is-a-temple
heartthrob. The antithesis of her ex.
Was he the man of her dreams? Nope. Was she settling in some capacity for
second best by choosing to be with him? You bet. But in her mind, he was better
than being with her chubby ex-husband or all by her newly single lonesome.
I know how this feels. I know it's hard to extract yourself from the wreckage
of love, and that sometimes the only thing you want is someone else's
(completely different) arms around you. (Ah, the rebound.) But I also
think this approach is tremendously limiting.
I've watched friends waver back-and-forth between dysfunctional, yet ‘comfortable,'
relationships and new attractions where the man is glaringly missing some
aspect of the ex that the women truly loved. It's irksome to witness this when
you know that these women need to just believe
they can find the perfect someone in-between, and they'll be able to do it.
There's no need to settle at one end of the spectrum or the other - just a need
to try on some kitten heels before buying the stilettos or running back to the
ratty, old clogs.
The trick is releasing the fear that if you let go of this ill-fitting guy,
you'll never find anyone who will love you again and you'll die with only your
cats to mourn your passing. (Personally, I think this might be a better option
than marrying someone who disappoints you...Just sayin'...) Sadly, though, most
people don't want to release the fear and wait around for Mr. Wonderful. Or
maybe they don't believe he exists. And that's the saddest thing of all.
A cynic would say that we all compromise in some shape or form, and hang up our
hopes just to be part of a twosome. And maybe that's the hard truth. But I
think that if more people could muster the courage to hold out for - or seek
out - someone who has the best of their exes and the extras they've been
missing, there would be a lot more happy hearts in the world.
