Snakes Alive!

Uninvited guests

It's Sunday evening out in the back of beyond of Oklahoma. I'm relaxed with a sleeping cat in my lap, a gentle rain pitter-pattering against my insulated windows, and my greatest concern is whether we might get the predicted snowfall overnight.

The local news comes on and in an instant my peaceful life is shattered by a headline, ‘Why you need to be on the lookout for snakes in your homes.' As we Brits say ‘bloody hell you've got to be kidding me, it‘s December!'

Now I might be doing a fair impression of a savvy Brit girl acclimatizing nicely to life in the USA, until that is you mention the ‘Ssss' word. I spend the summer months with one thought always in the back of my head, ‘is today the day I will cross paths with a Rattlesnake?'

Where I come from, a snake is something you see in a zoo or maybe a pet shop. You do not expect to just come across one slithering across the road, squashed on it, or God forbid, roaming your back garden. In England you might stumble across the odd Garden or Garter snake, but the poisonous ones are rare as rocking horse doo-doo.

It is however a completely different matter in my little rural corner of Oklahoma.

We have Rattlesnakes and Water Moccasins in numbers. Both are very poisonous and a bite means a rapid trip to an E.R. We also have non-poisonous Bull snakes who do a mean impression of a Rattler, and a really ‘fun' snake called a Racer, who loves nothing better than to play chase. Then you can add the standard Garter, Garden and Rat varieties for good measure.

And it goes without saying that being in the USA, they are of course bigger. This Brit gal now finds herself in snake hell, and all because she threw caution to the wind and fell for an Okie online!

In four years of occupation I have only had two direct contact incidents. The first time I was exiting my back door to head into the garage, when I glanced down and saw the tail end of a snake beating me to it. Needless to say the blood was pounding in my ears as I peered around the door, trusty cell phone in hand and a scream at the ready.

I had no idea what variety it was, but it was long, thin and heading for my vacuum which was in the garage for repairs. Of course it disappeared under  the vacuum, and I had visions of it climbing inside and appearing in my Dyson to sssneer at me.

I called my macho Okie husband on my mobile, well actually let me rephrase....I screamed at him just one hysterical word: ‘SNAKE!' I then stood rooted to the spot, as my absolute worst nightmare was losing sight of the snake and not knowing where it had gone. So there I was, behind my pickup truck, shaking and sweating for what seemed like an eternity. After all of two minutes my husband pulled into the drive in a cloud of dust and proceeded to saunter towards me doing his best John Wayne, with a disgusting lack of urgency.

He motioned me into the pickup and made me reverse out, before closing the door and dispatching my vacuum loving friend. Afterwards he was scathing about the diminutive size of my uninvited Garter snake. But he missed the point entirely - it was a snake in my Dyson for God's sake, not what us English ladies are raised to deal with!

The second incident happened as I crossed a friend's driveway, when a large (about 3ft long) dark brown snake shot across my path. Despite being inside the house, my friend heard my scream clearly and came running, only to find me a quivering wreck, frozen to the spot and in need of a stiff drink.

So imagine my horror tonight when the news report told us to look out for snakes in our homes, as they now try to find warm places to hide out for the winter. The lady they interviewed was in her kitchen when she heard something above and looked up to see a snake slithering in her light fitting! My ever-sympathetic husband just laughed at the look of horror I apparently gave him.

I have heard it said that if you want to be happier, avoid the news - and now I know why!