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Going Postal

Going Postal

Addressing the Christmas card issue

by Mya Greene (Mon Nov 30, 2009)
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I have just received my first Christmas card of 2009.

Every year, like the first Fererro Rocher TV advert, it turns up ridiculously early. Always from the same people. Why they feel it necessary to send seasonal greetings in November, I will never know. Perhaps it's to give slackers like myself more time to get organised and return the sentiment.

Don't get me wrong...I love to hear from them...it's the ‘Here comes Christmas - ready or not' wake-up call I'd rather not be reminded of.

Have you sent yours yet? Please say you haven't.

Christmas cards are a minefield. That's why we put them off until the last minute. So many things to get wrong. Nuances to miss. Tones to blow. Names to forget. Connections to confuse.

I make the same mistake every year. I procrastinate until the last moment, so that the only cards left in the shops are the most sickly and saccharine, cheapo chocolate-boxy junk...that merely express with great eloquence ‘Happy Christmas from a tasteless loser. You are so lucky your only contact with me is through the medium of poor quality greeting cards.'

I torture myself by imagining them opening the mail over organic croissants and a large cafetiere of Fair Trade Arabica;

‘Who is this from? My God...it's from Mya. It's not on recycled card... it isn't affiliated to any charity. It's not Tate Modern. Not Banksy. Not even V&A. I feel slightly sick.'

‘Let me see. Ugh! Kittens in a stocking...please tell me she's being ironic...for her sake... she's living in France... so we're not likely to bump into her. Phew!'

And what do you write inside a Christmas card?

Too much, and you risk boring the reader...too little and you can drive them mad with cryptic ambiguities. Scrawled messages such as ‘Things much better now...coping well...problems all behind us,' are bordering on cruel to an Olympic-level nosey parker like myself.

It's a very difficult balance to strike. There is nothing more annoying than opening a card that reveals precisely nothing apart from who sent it. If you haven't seen them for a long time...aren't they likely to have some news? It's nice to be kept in touch...otherwise...you begin to wonder what's the point in continuing the correspondence?

One solution to this problem is to write an annual family newsletter which you print out and pop in with every card. I must admit, I have never been a fan of these. Probably because of the mild humiliations dealt by my parents' letters over the years. Amongst details of all the academic, marital and social successes of my sisters, I was usually afforded a bland paragraph buried somewhere at the end: 'Mya is still searching for her way in life...but she seems to be happy. We are very proud of her.' Followed by an unwritten ‘Despite everything.'

I have painful memories of being regaled by my mother with the newsletters of family friends...

‘Ooh listen to this! It says Anthony, you know their eldest boy...he's a neuro-surgeon in Geneva. And Poppy? Remember the fat one we used to call Porky-pops? She's pounding the Milan catwalks...as a model, no less. And their youngest...with the sweaty hands...the one who had a crush on you..he's just been awarded the Nobel Prize for...'

I forget now...but you get the picture.

Another card always fascinating to receive is the one featuring the family photo. I have been known to study these for hours, comparing and contrasting the double chins, wrinkles and thickened thighs of my contemporaries, with my own. Obsessing over the neatness of their perfect children and dog. Wondering why life hasn't chosen to reward me with garlanded mantelpieces crowded with invitations.

It may have something to do with the card-shaped catastrophes I have doggedly posted over the years. When it comes to sending the perfect Christmas card, there is only one thing I feel confident about. It is not just the thought that counts...it's way more important than that.

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Posted Fri Dec 4, 2009 at 8:17 am Reply Delete
Jenny, you are clearly a far better organised woman than myself.Respect. BG Sarah - who to drop? Agh, not THAT minefield. There are always reprisals you know. Lisa H and cousin - sounds familiar. I personally find feline respiratory illnesses fascinating. Janie - exactly. What is the big rush? I'm not in any hurry to get the whole Christmas crazy caravan on the road. No siree. Toni - which I'm sure is delightful. You sound like you've got things under control. Impressed. Jean - good luck with the synchronised smiling! Mel, sweaty hands had the sexual allure of a damp sock. I was drawn to the dangerous, biker booted, dark brooding types. And look where it got me?!Report Abuse
Mel
Posted Tue Dec 1, 2009 at 12:06 pm Reply Delete
groan, just sent out my first batch of photo cards (the kitten-in-stocking-card reserved for all the people I forget/don't like)... but thankfully no-one is looking perfect. Husband is looking drunk, I am looking tense (white knuckles), kids looking dishevelled. Dog not looking at all. Does that get me off the hook?! Loved this piece, such a shame you never got it together with the sweaty-handed nobel prizewinner.Report Abuse
Posted Mon Nov 30, 2009 at 10:04 pm Reply Delete
Well, mine won't be going out until I get all three children smiling at the same time; guess they'll be late.Report Abuse
Posted Mon Nov 30, 2009 at 7:57 pm Reply Delete
Well I haven't sent any yet, but they're all there, addressed and stamped - just waiting for the family photo!!Report Abuse
Posted Mon Nov 30, 2009 at 7:30 pm Reply Delete
Talk about getting cards early, I was hearing Christmas music a week before Thanksgiving. What' s the big rush?Report Abuse
Lisa H's Cousin
Posted Mon Nov 30, 2009 at 6:34 pm Reply Delete
It was Princeton, not Harvard. The viola, not violin. And, reading an ancient form of Gaelic, not Latin.Report Abuse
Lisa H.
Posted Mon Nov 30, 2009 at 6:26 pm Reply Delete
Honestly, I enjoy the newsletters, but I do have to admit, there is one cousin who sends updates I can't stand because they read like a society page announcement in the New York Times. this child is playing violin, dancing and reading Latin; this other child is going to college on a full scholarship to Harvard. Blah, blahdeblah......All I can counter with is....my son still won't pee in the potty . . . .and the cat had a respiratory infection. . . or . . . this past year brought us a new dishwasher. Yaaawn!Report Abuse
Posted Mon Nov 30, 2009 at 4:48 pm Reply Delete
We received our first about 2 weeks ago from back home and just looked at each other dumbfounded, we weren't even sure it was a Xmas card it was so early. That mean't they must have mailed it at the beginning of November, I mean c'mon we're only across the pond! This time we are starting a new tradition, I ordered pre-printed cards but being a keen photographer, it has a suitably wintry scene on it and not our grinning faces. But I won't be considering mailing for at least another week, even back to the UK. Another thing I am considering this year is who to drop, international gets expensive and so if we didn't get one last year, they won't this year - ruthless I know!Report Abuse
jenny smith
Posted Mon Nov 30, 2009 at 2:27 pm Reply Delete
Lordy! I love sending mine out in November! Sorry about that. Tho' in fact I'm late as I can't post 'em till tomorrow, having to wait in for a package and everything. I love getting that big bundle and putting them through the postbox, all marked with that second class stamp (except the big ones!). Feels like christmas has really started for me then. I would never dream of sending a card with a photo of my lot. Nor would I ever do one of those smug round robin letters. Hope this redeems me a bit.Report Abuse

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