Do They Know It's Christmas?

A ding dong, merrily on high

Now the first time it happened, I almost didn't mind. I was so excited that finally I was getting to make a costume, that I just went with the flow. But when it happened the following year, and the one after that, and plenty more since, well, it's started to piss me off. Because, what place does a Hawaiian Hula Dancer, an octopus, a polar bear and a spangly fish have in the Nativity?

The definition of Nativity is ‘Birth; the place, conditions, or circumstances of being born.' But everyone knows that Nativity means ‘...amateur school production portraying the birth of Jesus, alleged saviour of the World. Mary, Joseph, a donkey, the shepherds and three wise men, should all feature in this Christmas, crowd-pleasing classic.'

However, something has gone very wrong in our schools. You see along with most children in state schools in the UK, my children are not being taught the basic facts of the Nativity. My children are being fed a fudged version of the events surrounding Jesus' birth, that as the years go by becomes ever more hallucinogenic. Some coked-up scriptwriter is rubbing his nose all the way to the bank.

Let's see, what have we had? Well, that first year Jesus apparently spent a little time in Hawaii and I was required to dress my eldest in a bikini and weave a raffia skirt. Another year Jesus went all aquatic and most of the Nativity took place under the sea, with my son doing an Irish dance dressed as an octopus (I wish I were making this up). There was one joyful year when Jesus went back to basics and my daughter was - hallelujah! - an angel. Then there was the year of environmental concern and Jesus hung out with the polar bears (my son) and the year of the spangly fish was just too awful to mention.

What is going on? Why is this happening? I've broached the subject with teachers and they shrug and mumble about ‘appealing to all faiths.' Why? Why should we appeal to all faiths? What sort of watered-down nonsense is that? If you want to appeal to all faiths, then by all means celebrate Diwali in - er - Diwali time, have some Yom Kippur as and when, and leave some oranges lying around for that Hindi elephant with lots of arms. That's absolutely fine by me, but don't hallucinate up a ridiculous story that embraces all faiths, all persecuted minorities, all skin colours and any wheelchair-bound asylum seekers that are left.

Hey, and here's an idea, if you want to appeal to all faiths, why don't you start by not bombing their homes? I'm going out on a limb here, but if you invade a couple of Muslim countries using a flimsy pretext, cause death and destruction and ignite civil war, well I reckon there's a good chance that you're not endearing yourself to that particular faith. And by dressing a token child in a hijab at the next Nativity, well, that‘s probably not going to win the battle for hearts and minds now is it? Just a thought, you know, in case you're really serious about that appealing to all faiths thing.

Isn't it time we came clean about the true meaning of the Nativity? It's not really about Jesus, Mary and Joseph at all. It's about feeling excited because it's nearly Christmas and we‘ll get loads of presents. It's about singing hymns from our childhood that are beautiful. It's about a fairy tale on a par with an inspired episode of the Simpsons, but a fairy tale that is familiar and comforting nevertheless. It‘s about watching our children forget their lines and pick their noses whilst dressed as sheep. It's about tradition, not religion, and it's harmless.

So this year, please, let's have yon virgin mother and child, shepherds who watch their flocks by night, a star that is westward leading still proceeding and three traversing kings from the Orient (there's scope for an ethnic minority there I grant you) who are bearing Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh.

And please God, this year make my son a shepherd so that he can wear a tea-towel on his head.