by Mya Greene (Mon Feb 08, 2010)
Do you remember receiving your first ever Valentine's
Day card? I recall the excitement clearly; the butterflies in my stomach as I
read the poem inside from a mystery admirer...and the devastation once I realised
it wasn't from the athletic sixth former I secretly adored but the wimpy, swot
from chess club.
In our formative years, Valentine's Day can spark a
volatile blend of emotions. Joy and elation mixed with disappointment and
dashed expectations - you want everything to be perfect. And let's face it, it
rarely is.
When you're a tender-teen just starting out on the
rocky road to romance there's an awful lot of hope around, and precious little
experience. But over time, you harden up - you have to. If you knew then, what
you know now...would you still have made the same choices?
As a forty-plus female in a long-term relationship, I
personally find Valentine's Day an irrelevant cheese-fest. I suspect I am not
alone. The sickening, saccharine fluffiness of it is more likely to inspire in
me feelings of nausea rather than amour.
But if you happen to be a florist, stationer,
restaurateur, jeweller or chocolatier, what's not to love? You can bet your
boots at this time of year, it's not love lighting up your eyes, it's big fat
dollar signs.
As you grow older and wiser, you discover there are
more eloquent ways of saying 'I love you' than a service-station teddy wearing
love heart boxer shorts. Ways that don't rely on commerce or coercion to make a
connection. Ways that alter the definition of ‘romance' and can be illustrated
by the ‘then' and ‘now' of a relationship.
1. Then:
He woke you up on Valentine's morning with a tender kiss.
Now:
You are stirred from your sleep by ear-splitting cannonades of wind.
2. Then:
He gave you tickets to see the Royal Shakespeare Company perform 'Romeo and
Juliet ' at Stratford upon Avon.
Now:
He gives you tickets to the dry cleaners to collect his suits.
3. Then:
He treated you to a romantic candlelit dinner at a bijou French restaurant
complete with glittery trinket in a box and string quartet.
Now:
He treats you to a Chinese takeaway on the sofa in the glare of a 50-inch flat
screen TV. No cooking, no washing up - and no French kissing.
4. Then:
He bought you the finest Belgian chocolates - and said repeatedly that only the
best would do for his true love.
Now:
He eats all the purple ones from the tin of Quality Street
and when you complain, tells you that your arse is too fat, and it's for your
own good.
5. Then:
You draped your body in intricate webs of seductive, silken lingerie.
Now:
You drape your body in vests, bed socks and cobwebs.
6. Then:
He let you watch 'An Officer and A Gentleman' without interruption and rubbed
your feet.
Now:
He sighs loudly, complains he's missing the footie and makes squeaking noises
every time Richard Gere is on screen.
7. Then:
He spent hours picking the perfect champagne.
Now:
He spends hours picking his nose.
8. Then: He asked you repeatedly:
'Do you know how much I love you?'
Now: He asks you repeatedly 'Do you know how much that cost?'
9. Then:
Dancing naked around the room to Madness.
Now:
Playing Scrabble, in thermal underwear.
10. Then:
Weekends lost to sexual marathons.
Now:
Weekends lost in Ikea.
