Stuffed

Is it a turkey? Is it a duck?

What shall grace the table come Christmas Day? Will trendy or traditional get your vote?

Turkey with all the trimmings is still the number one choice of many. Since I was a nipper, the landscape in the turkey world has shifted dramatically. It used to be a once a year treat, an exotic meat, if you like. A bit like eating ostrich today. Turkey only appeared in the shops around Christmas time - the rest of the year it was chicken...or chicken.

These days, the bewildering array of turkey-related options will have you reaching for the smelling salts.

Do you want free-range, organic free-range, barn reared, farm reared, golden breasted, copper bottomed, Norfolk, Suffolk, corn fed, spoon fed, self-basting, basting-averse, fifteen, twenty, thirty kilos....aaaggghhh!

Enough!

Can't we just give them turkey nuggets and fries?

But thanks to its low-fat healthy credentials, turkey is firmly established on our menus throughout the year. Unfortunately, it has become a victim of its own success. Many no longer find turkey ‘special' enough for a celebration meal and are actively seeking alternatives.

People are hungering for new taste vistas. They have become more adventurous about what they eat and are willing to traverse unknown terrain. They flirt with goose and duck, pheasant and venison. Beef remains popular but is also viewed as perhaps a little obvious. A majestic poached salmon makes a fine centrepiece...but with elderly relatives around, Queen Mum fishbone incident paranoia increases and salmon gets bumped off the menu.

In response to this renewed enthusiasm for something different, the seasonal meat producers have started pushing the culinary envelope...over-stuffing it, to be more precise.

I'm talking, of course, about the strange Russian Doll concept of sticking one bird inside another...and another...and then another. Poultry's answer to pass the parcel can come in a variety of combinations, ranging from the relatively restrained duck stuffed with turkey stuffed with guinea fowl, to the rather more excessive turkey stuffed with mallard, pheasant, wood pigeon and partridge. That's five birds. Virtually a flock.

I suppose it takes the angst out of choosing which meat to go for...hell, let's take the lot!

In recent years, these one platter poultry parties have been flying (natch) off the shelves. It all started with the relatively simple Turducken. That's Tur(key) + duck+ (chick)en. A combination of boned chicken stuffed inside boned duck stuffed inside a partially boned turkey. Flavoured and spiced stuffings are crammed in between each layer, resulting in a tasty melding of flavours. As there are few bones, it is easy to slice. Thus avoiding the potentially explosive carving crisis where the meat is handed over to a sozzled, paper-hat-wearing uncle, with the knife-skills of a snowman.

Turporkens are also popular. You can guess what they contain.

So which other combinations might work?

How about a Swaporkock? That's a peacock inside a pig inside a swan.

Or for those that like their meat truly free-range there's the Roadkill Special: the Badrabirrel - that's a squirrel inside a rabbit inside a badger. With the bonus of tyre rubber crust.

The combinations are infinite. (I made those up, by the way...don't try and order one from Fortnums.)

I have not sampled one of these meat super-combos, so I am not in a position to judge whether or not they work on a purely flavour basis. But I must admit to finding the idea a bit weird...ghoulish even. Isn't one bird enough? Images of Burke and Hare, taxidermists and ornithological Frankensteins crowd my mind...pretty effective appetite suppressants, I think you'll agree.

This year it is possible the global economic downturn will reduce the amount of meat we pile on our plates...and that's no bad thing. It will please our purses our physicians and the planet. But whatever you choose for your festive meal this year, whether it be the whole sweep of the game dealer's window display or a restrained slice or two of tofurkey...enjoy!