by Jenny Critchlow (Mon Jul 06, 2009)
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1. The Constant Gardener
This film is about my dad. It involves a shed, a lot of pottering, possibly some tweed trousers and a fool-proof plan for watering the lawn during a hosepipe ban. The action centres on dummy runs of the Hosepipe Ban Plan. Cling to the edge of your seat as he attempts to outwit the hosepipe police (whom you never see, but the local news always assures you are there). There's a funny scene where he loses the little stick he needs to stir paint, and one where the cat gets red paint in his ear, fooling everyone into thinking he has a brain tumour that has burst. I kid you not.
2. Twenty Eight Days Later
My mother stars here as Neurotic Woman #1. It is set in the 80's with appropriate costumes, although my mother still wears blue eye shadow and flares, and uses words like ‘groovy,' it was the only time she was hip and she's staying there. I am in my teens and the title of the film refers to the calendar she kept on the fridge door to remind her when to start worrying about a late period. Mine not hers.
3. Pride and Prejudice
My sister returns to Africa to fight for lions' rights.
4. Dumbo
I marry my husband, let my dad give me away unsupervised and without a map, ask my sisters to be bridesmaids and allow them to choose their own dresses; one is full length Barbie-style pink, designed to show cleavage and snag the Best Man, the other is Hollywood red carpet, in preparation for the real thing. My mother is allowed a say in her outfit, and to attend ungagged.
5. Forrest Gump
A camping trip goes horribly wrong; two year old is being potty trained and sleeps with us in the tent. We rename the film Forrest Dump.
6. Rambo
Husband's chance to shine. Shot entirely in front of the bathroom mirror when he thinks nobody is looking. Straddles the comedy/horror genres.
7. Herbie Goes Bananas
My brother takes to the weed; my mother finds one of his Special Cookies and eats it. The police attend. The cleaner attends. There is an interesting scene with a broom handle and a J-cloth. No one mentions it again. Ever.
8. It's A Wonderful Life
It is, really, and I wouldn't have them any other way.
