by Mya Greene (Mon Nov 16, 2009)
Is it ever a good idea to marry an axe murderer?
Discuss.
Maybe. Possibly. Erm...
Well, first of all, we all agree that a good man is
hard to find. The four S rule (sexy, sane, solvent and single) remains an
impossible fantasy for the majority of women.
After a while a girl can't help noticing that the best
guys are always married, hair stylists or monks. We don't stand a chance. But
why should we miss out? Where will we find that special soul mate?
Well, this might sound totally bonkers, but if you are
willing to try something a little different, it could work for you. Try
adjusting your expectations, and men who you would once have considered out of
reach, may now be within range. Are you looking for a convenient,
low-maintenance relationship? Someone who will appreciate your presence but not
interfere too much in your daily life? A man who will not stifle you, but allow
you to retain your independence?
If the answer is 'yes', then a certified murdering
psychopath could be the choice for you.
Health and safety warning: It pays to be cautious. Ensure he is incarcerated in a maximum security
jail. With no chance of early parole. Or superhero powers that enable him to
burn through steel bars.
The murderer-marrying route isn't for everyone. It
takes a certain type of weirdo woman to embark knowingly on a
relationship with a convicted killer. Some may think you need to be very stupid, insensitive, strong-stomached
and sick of soul to want to bask in the reflected notoriety of a man's heinous
crimes...
Conversely, on a more cheerful note, you may find the
fact that you only need to see him once a week, he won't be cheating on you, and
you don't have to iron, cook or put out for him, a major selling point.
Only you will know if an axe murderer is right for
you.
Signing up to a prison visitors' scheme will enable
you to try out a selection, to see which one you feel most comfortable with - and
which one best compliments your lifestyle. For instance, if you are currently
paying exorbitant amounts to a therapist, marrying a lifer could really save
you money. He won't fall asleep during your weekly angst dumps about how much
your parents loathed you, and he will be genuinely pleased to see you. He is in
every sense of the word, a captive audience.
If you are a hopeless romantic, your handsome prince
may be waiting for you behind prison walls. The phonecalls, the long love
letters, the weekly meetings where only hand holding is permitted - it's pure
Mills and Boon with added porridge. Like an old-fashioned courtship, desire
will be piqued by denial. Long periods of separation can and often do sustain
the flimsiest and most ill-matched unions.
The chances of a successful partnership with a crazed
lunatic exterminator are heightened if you are of the correct personality type.
Those describing themselves as motherly, needing-to-be-needed reformers, with
what the psycho-babblers term a 'helper personality,' are asked to form an
orderly queue at the sign labelled 'Crackpot Deluded and Beyond Help.'
So there you have it. A comprehensive guide to the
pros and cons of marrying an axe murderer. What are you waiting for? What could
possibly go wrong?
