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Weekend with a Friend

Advice from The Regular Guy

Dear Regular Guy,

My husband and I have been planning a romantic getaway which is coming up later this month. The problem is my best friend Jessica and her husband have just split up and I would like to bring her along as she could really use a weekend away from everything. I am not sure how to broach the subject with my husband as I am certain he will be against it because she's a bit of a downer at the moment. Any ideas?

Annie

Dear Annie,

This, my innocent friend, is a no brainer. Unless hubby is a closeted homosexual, not that there's anything wrong with that, he shares a fantasy with every straight man on this planet. Oh, he'll deny it but trust the Regular Guy when I tell you this is as certain as a politician lying. He fantasizes (often) about the elusive ménage à trois. Yes he does.

Now before you freak out, I am not suggesting that you actually have one (unless, of course, you want to) because that's some freaky shit and not for the faint of heart. What I am suggesting, however, is that you say a thing or two in your pitch to him about bringing sad little Jessica along that stirs that fantasy ever, ever so slightly. If he believes, against all of his sense and logic, that there is the remotest of chances, he'll be putty in your hand. I'd hit him up like this, "Honey, Jessica is so fragile right now. She's just so down on herself and needs some attention. I really want to bring her along and I promise she'll be fun. As soon as she gets away from everything, relaxes and has a drink or two, she will really loosen up and being with us will do her a world of good." All true, wouldn't you agree?

He may still be a "no" at first, but just wait it out. You let that fella sit on that speech for an hour or two and he'll personally pick up Jessica himself (with the car that is). Of course, he may act a little silly and awkward on the actual weekend but you'll know why and will fend him off accordingly. Win/win the way I see it. You get to help your friend Jessica and he gets to harmlessly fantasize about his fantasy.

Let me know how it works out,

Please tell The Regular Guy if you think he is testoste-right or testoste-wrong by commenting below. And if you would like to ask The Regular Guy a question, please send it to Ask The Regular Guy.

Watching the World Cup Football – or Soccer

A letter to the USA

You may or may not have realised, but there is an international football (known to you as ‘soccer') tournament about to start in South Africa. England is playing the USA on Saturday 12^th June and lots of us here will be in ecstasies of anticipation at the prospect. 

I think the USA is one of the countries England has actually beaten in an international football tournament at some point, which makes you members of a rather exclusive club. Therefore, we are slightly more excited than usual because there is a faint possibility we may win a game in the World Cup. Football is not as popular in the US as it is in the UK, so here are a few helpful tips for understanding the game.

Firstly, football is a game which is played continually for 45 minutes at a time, before the break for commercials. However, footballers are especially fragile creatures and if they come within a couple of metres of another player, they have to fall on the ground in agony and remain there, shouting until they're awarded a penalty, or until the full 90 minutes is up. A tactic that toddlers are well versed in too.    

Referees are on the pitch as anger management facilitators. If they make a decision that the players don't like, known in the colloquial as ‘refereeing' the players involved have to run up to them and disagree, loudly, using as many swear words and gesticulations as possible. The referee then has to blow his whistle so the game can continue, awarding the direction of play to whoever has shouted the loudest. 

Footballers do not expect to score any actual goals, although some observers of the game may think this is what they are paid millions to do. If they do score a goal, the entire team must jump up and down in amazement and leap on the goal scorer, in an attempt to injure him and prevent him scoring any more. The fans will also respond by shouting excitedly at the opposing fans because a goal scored by their team means they themselves are obviously superior individuals. The goalkeeper who has let in the goal must choose one of his teammates to blame and point at him angrily.

If no one manages to get in the lead by the end of the 90 minutes, the teams then play a bit longer, just to mess up the television schedules. If they continue to draw at the end, they go to a penalty shoot out, to establish who must be blamed for the loss and to decide who is first to be interviewed afterwards. Rest assured that if Saturday's game does go to a penalty shoot out, the USA can relax. England always loses on penalties. 

As a fan, or just a reluctant observer, you must stereotype the country of the team you are playing against. You are required to dislike them and bring up any racist grudges you have against them. In England we are particularly good at disliking the Germans, for example. This can all be forgotten next week when we play someone else. Fans in England must show their support for the team by reducing the carbon efficiency of their cars - they have to attach England flags to the car windows. This display will no doubt encourage the English team, who are already in South Africa, working on their excuses for why they have lost all their games. One of our key players (and the team captain) Rio Ferdinand, has managed to injure himself in advance of any games to provide us with a cast iron reason for losing. 

In fact, being English, we are already preparing ourselves for disappointment, as we never really expect to win. Our best games are played when we go 1-0 down early on because we get the disappointment over with at an early stage. The tension if we actually take the lead early on is usually too much to handle. And if we manage to progress to the later stages, we can feed our desire for disappointment on Andy Murray, as Wimbledon will be on at the same time as the World Cup. 

I hope this has given you a flavour of the delights that await you in the coming weeks. Enjoy. Or, at least, endure.

Why I Don't Eat Grapefruit

Fruit vector

The nice folks at www.xkcd.com, the creators of this image, are happy to share their funny comics. But be nice and pay them a visit. There's lots more to laugh about on their site. In the meantime, we love the title of this one: 'Fuck Grapefruit.'

Loathe Thy Neighbour

Recognise anyone?

With Noise Awareness Week taking place between April 26th and 30th, now is the perfect time to reflect upon how our behaviour affects those we live amongst. With excessive noise cited as the most common cause of disputes between neighbours, I felt compelled to look deeper into the problem.

There appear to be six basic types of noisy neighbour:

1. The Insomniac

Wouldn't life be insufferably dull if we were all the same? Fortunately, we all have our little foibles. Like vacuuming. Or drilling shelves into the wall. And even playing football. Or the bongos. But at 3 o'clock in the morning? That is unreasonable behaviour. Living in close proximity to an inconsiderate insomniac can be hell. Not content with being wide awake themselves, they are only truly satisfied when the entire apartment block is too.

2. The Sex Machine

There is nothing more depressing than listening to other people have sex. Loud sex. Take Caroline Cartwright from Tyne and Wear as an example. This 48-year-old British woman is being threatened with prison after violating her ASBO (Anti-Social Behaviour Order). What was the ASBO for? Thirty complaints from neighbours over a six month period. The problem? Caroline's noises. Her screams during sex were measured at up to 47 decibels in volume. So loud were her moans, she drowned out the neighbour's TV. Even pedestrians walking down the street complained about the row coming from her house. I wonder if she has tried biting on a rolled up sock?

3. The Oldie

Elderly neighbours have good and bad points. Good: As supreme curtain-twitchers who rarely go out, they deter burglars - and are cheaper than employing a security firm. Also good for when you run out of really esoteric cooking ingredients, like arrowroot. Or sago. Bad: ‘Countdown' played at ear-splitting volumes, curious smells and pigeons.

4. The Pet Lover

What about the man who loved his dog so much, he left the radio on to keep it company when he went to work. Doesn't sound too bad? It does when you learn that the man worked nights. And the minute he left the apartment, the dog would start howling in despair until his return.

5. The Party Animal

If a party animal moves in next-door, you might want to think about packing. At the very least get the environmental noise warden on speed dial. The worst offenders are those whose parties don't start until the nightclubs empty out. You will become familiar with nocturnal door slamming, giggling fits in the stairwell, the incessant pressing of your doorbell, heavy boots on the stripped floors above and drum ‘n' bass shaking your bedclothes.

6. The Innocents

I have great sympathy for these guys, because it is not their fault. They are victims of poor sound insulation and bad building practice. If a sigh is audible three floors above, the acoustic integrity of the dwelling must be called into question. You will know if you are one of these victims if your neighbour asks in the lift whether you have forgiven your boyfriend yet. And if they add that, for the record, they didn't agree with him about your double chins, then the walls are definitely too thin.

So do you recognise your own neighbour here? Or perhaps yourself?

Bouquet Okay

What do those flowers really mean?

So, you've received a bouquet of flowers.

Aren't you lucky?

Once you have lovingly arranged them in your favourite vase...you can sit and ponder the true meaning of your floral gift. What message is the sender trying to convey? Is it possible to translate?

The symbolism of flowers has been with us since ancient times. Floriography, (that's what the Victorians called it) is the language of flowers.

Because with flowers, different species and colours say different things. There seems to be a bloom for almost every occasion. If you have something to say, but words fail you, let flowers be your messenger.

For example, if you accidentally sit on and crush your neighbour's hamster, it would be a good time to put in an order at the florists for some purple Hyacinths, the classic floral symbol of regret. Unless, of course, this particular hamster was universally disliked. In that instance, you would send Birds of Paradise; the floral symbol of joyfulness.

So, do you see? Flowers can be employed as useful shorthand, when the right words elude you.

If you are one of those fortunate people who regularly receive flowers, you might find the following list a practical help when trying to decipher their meaning:

Almond Blossom - this pretty blossom symbolises hope, watchfulness and promise. If your partner gives you this on his return from work on a Friday evening, he is communicating through the medium of flowers a desire to get you naked as soon and often as possible, all weekend.

Birdsfoot Trefoil - you had better watch your step if a bunch of this stuff has arrived. Symbolic of revenge, it could mean that he still hasn't forgiven you for reversing over his Playstation, eating his last Rolo, laughing at his 'six pack,' siding with his mother, sleeping with his brother...let's face it, the list could be endless.

Houseleek - not your usual botanic bling. If you have been caning the credit card on soft furnishings, white goods and gourmet deli-meals, prepare for a houseleek delivery. Representing domestic economy, it sends the message that purse strings are to be tightened. You can always send your own message right back by telling him exactly where he can stuff his houseleek.

Mint - an aromatic plant. Beware, he smells a rat. He suspects it was you that posted that clip of him on YouTube doing his oiled and writhing Hasselhoff impersonation. The same clip that found its way onto the weekly e-mail bulletin at his office. And about two million other computers world-wide. Mint symbolises suspicion.

Calla Lily - you are onto a winner with this baby. The Calla Lily sends a message loud and clear that your beauty is of a magnificence unrivalled. If you have been worrying he finds you unattractive, this flower is nothing less than a horticultural hard-on.

Black Locust - not a good bloom to receive from the guy you have been obsessing over for weeks. Will he call? Won't he? Should you call him again? Is three times in half an hour desperate? You'd better cool it with the fantasies. It's a little early to be choosing bridesmaid dresses and the names of your firstborn. Cancel the appointment at the tattoo studio. The Black Locust is the symbol of platonic love. It's game over, girlfriend.

Roses - These deserve their own sub-category. Colour is critical - get it wrong, and you may have a lot of explaining to do. Here are the basics:

Red - True love, ardent passion and desire. He is absolutely crazy about you. Call the milliner, Mum!

White - Purity, reverie. Unless you are both under religious orders, you'll need to work on the image you are projecting if you want to get past first post with him.

Deep Pink - gratitude. Perhaps you're the first person to sleep with him in a long time.

Yellow - friendship, platonic love. Better to receive from your boss, than your fiancé.

Finally, if you are the unlucky recipient of one of those limp and pathetic posies, commonly found in buckets on the forecourts of petrol stations. This is the classic symbol of farewell: he's got to go.