by Emma Kaufmann (Thu Jun 25, 2009)
Beat the bologna, buff the banana, charm the snake, stroke the one-eyed burping gecko, thump the pump, varnish the flagpole, wax the dolphin, wrestle the eel, yank your plank. There are thousands of euphemisms for male masturbation - all of them indicating a kind of wrestling to the ground of one's manhood, a kind of taming of an out of control sexual organ and an out of control sexual urge. Contrast this if you will with the relatively few slang phrases for female masturbation which include frigging, fingering, diddling, jilling off, petting the kitty, flicking the bean, rolling the trackball, tickling the tulips, and unbuttoning the fur coat, all of which have a much more touchy feely vibe to them.
The attitude to male masturbation is that most men freely talk about doing it, while relatively few women do. We may do it but most of us wouldn't show off at the water cooler at work about how we choked the chicken last night after one too many lagers. Despite the valiant efforts of Betty Dodson to have us worship at the altars of our pudenda with her workshops in which women peered at their labia in hand mirrors and masturbated in circles, female masturbation has never really taken off as something to shout from the roof tops or to tell your friends about. When was the last time you said to a girlfriend, ‘Let me tell you about this amazing wank I had last night. First I had a rose scented bubble bath and then I lit some candles and caressed myself for hours until finally I touched my clitoris and sent myself into orbit.' Well, you'd feel a bit silly wouldn't you? But masturbation can be a huge source of satisfaction, so if you don't indulge yourself once in a while you might be missing out on a feel good activity that has absolutely no side effects.
Most people enjoy the interaction of sex with another person more than flying solo. But if we are single or divorced this is probably the ideal time to experiment with trying out different forms of masturbation; with scented oils, with objects (some women swear by electric toothbrushes, others say straddling a washing machine spin cycle works wonders) or the more conventional vibrators, dildos etc. until we find the right partner and are ready to start a new sexual relationship. Masturbation can really be a blast if you approach it in the right way, using it as a tool to rediscover what touch and caress really turns you on. And one of the most exciting aspects of it is that you can indulge your every fantasy without leaving your home! So let your imagination run riot, read erotic novels or find some porn that tickles your fancy and indulge your most perverse desires.
At some point you might start being interested in dating again, but you may be cautious and not want to rush into anything heavy. The easiest thing here is to start an online flirtation. It can be very hot to do cybersex or phone sex - you masturbate while indulging in a steamy anonymous flirt. This experience can be as raw and thrilling as real sex except that you don't have to make a commitment. You are dipping your toe in the water and seeing if you like this person, or whether you just want an anonymous sexually-based fantasy encounter. The benefits of solo sex here are that you stay totally in control, and the online partner is there solely to fulfil your fantasies. This kind of encounter can be a very liberating act for women who may have spent much of their adult lives pleasing other people or putting themselves second after children.
Masturbation has health benefits too. Not only is it a great way to relieve stress or period cramps, it can also help raise your self esteem, as by giving yourself pleasure, you are learning to love yourself. On top of all that, another great benefit is that satisfaction is guaranteed - with DIY you know you will hit the right spot.
When women are single and lonely we might ease our dissatisfactions by popping one too many chocolates, so look at it this way: Masturbation is a calorie-free snack you can eat between meals without ruining your waistline.
So, until you meet the right person, why not try tickling the tulips? And if you never do meet the right person, then just enjoy unbuttoning your fur coat to your heart's content.
