In your forties you are hit with some critical life choices. Deciding which subjects to study, whether to continue a certain on-again-off-again relationship, if and when to have children, all pale in comparison with the forties dilemmas:
To tan or not? I know, I know, tanning is extremely dangerous, and I'm not a proponent. Blessed with a blue-ish white complexion, I have learnt my lesson time and time again. A dark puce face is not attractive, even less so when ‘concealer' is applied. However, forties skin doesn't have the same youthful sheen it once had; it may even be accompanied by its soul-mate, cellulite. At this point the wicked Fairy Tan Mother whispers in your ear that all your problems will magically disappear with a ‘bit of colour.' Even though a lot of us don't lie flat out and bake in the sun, (for different reasons, I suspect), I see some with rolled up sleeves and face upturned to the golden rays, hoping to revive the pallor of the forty-something skin.
Which begets the next decision:
How to tan? Fortunately, you no longer need the real sun or a nasty sun-bed to regain that golden, youthful glow. The Fairy Tan Mother has seen fit to bestow fake tan on the world, although it appears she has yet to send us the training manual. Once upon a time the only tanning creams around were white, so your success at the sun goddess look was always an overnight, weird-dream filled, guessing game. If you were lucky you got an even ‘tan' albeit of a slightly tangerine hue. My first attempt resulted in a newly dyed pair of sheets (Note - the stuff doesn't wash off sheets) and legs of two completely different colours. I had to wear long trousers for about a week because in those days, given that all the creams were white, slapping on more fake tan raised the disaster stakes even higher.
Fortunately we have two main alternatives for tanning, and yet another major decision:
Cream or spray tan? Nowadays you can buy brown tanning cream so you can see what's going on. Imagine that! As a frequent user of such creams I must warn you that it's still not all plain-sailing. Some of the creams get darker and darker, so buy the colour that is recommended for your skin type. Fairer gals should not simply opt for level 3 (out of say, 4) because they like a deeper tan, unless they want to look like grandma's big old mahogany wardrobe. Amazingly, you can still come out streaky with these creams, but it's less likely, and a quick lick and a rub fades many of the offending marks in no time. A few brands seem to wash off on first contact with water, so if you're planning to stun ‘em at the pool or beach, have a trial run. You don't want to walk into the water as a goddess and come out looking like her anemic, older sister.
Sprays tans are rather fun. The Hollywood stars have people come to their houses for a personal spray. Seemingly perfect strangers, armed with what looks like a tank of insect-repellant, spray the nude star to give an even, all over tan. All very well if you have a Hollywood body and lack of inhibition, but no thank you. Your other alternative is the spray tanning booth, where you stand in what looks like a huge shower and get sprayed. A caution here - the spray is very cold. There are signs telling you to keep your mouth shut, but when that fine mist of freezing cold tan hits your hitherto warm body, it's about as easy to keep your mouth shut as it is to keep your eyes open when sneezing.
And yes, the spray-tanning booth prompts your final, and very important decision, as a woman of a certain age:
Boobs or shoulders? So I'm standing there naked, except for the shower cap and cloth-like mittens for the hands and feet. I suddenly realized that, in the unlikely event of me wearing a bikini, most of the area below the top would be white, due to the low-hanging boob situation. My immediate solution was to raise my arms a tad, to give ‘the girls' the lift they needed. Unfortunately I had to raise my arms so high that it caused Grand Canyon creases in the shoulder area, forcing me to make a critical decision right there and then. Am I more likely to wear a bikini or a strapless top?
As I said, decision, decisions.
