by Jenny smith (Thu Jan 21, 2010)
Every year I fall for this one. Top tips for looking
younger. Who doesn't look through these in glossy magazines for women of a
certain age?
And what was this one? Tip number 15? ‘Having
shaped and tidy eyebrows will take years off you.’ Oh, will it? Well, by sheer coincidence, I happened to be descending the escalator in
Debenhams, when I came across a thing called an Eyebrow Bar. I
half-expected women to be perched there drinking cocktails.
Well, I wish they had been. Like Hansel and Gretel going
into a house of gingerbread, the young assistant being the wicked witch, I was
led to a chair akin to a dentist's. Which should have told me
something. I mean, I've seen ‘Marathon Man’ like everybody else.
The girl, who I shall call Leatherface, as I'm sure the
last time there was such pain and agony was indeed in ‘The Texas Chainsaw
Massacre,’ told me to relax. And then, I swear the sadistic cow used a
blowtorch and hacksaw. My eyes were firmly closed but the pain was so very
real and visible. I screamed out at one point, much to the bemusement of
passing shoppers.
I have trusted Debenhams all my life. How was I to
know they would turn on me like this? How could I possibly know they housed a
coven of tweezer-wielding sadists? I thought there were cellars and clubs for
that sort of thing. Not a nice established family store!
I finally found the courage to open my eyes and, amongst
the redness around my mid-forehead were two angry black lines - not dissimilar
to a character in ‘South Park.’ A permanent look of annoyance. Pretty much
my everyday look, but over-emphasised.
I crawled over to the till and paid my £30. Such a price
for pain and humiliation! And such a terrible start to 2010.
And no, I didn't remotely look ten years younger.
What was the next tip down? A good exfoliation will
give you a younger look. Well, the rawness of my brows made me shy of
looking at the overwhelming choice of face products. I decided to fix that one
myself, sparing any more public humiliation. I'm no Jo Malone or Anita Roddick
but I can knock up a beauty product - so I thought.
So I mixed some oatmeal and honey and applied its roughness
around my poor unsuspecting face and neck. And after a hard and difficult wash,
a rash of angry spots appeared on my 51-year-old face. I now, very
definitely, looked at least 10 years older.
I went to my mum, herself a youthful 81-year-old. One who,
although she struggled to remember what year had just arrived, could
remember her wartime childhood with razor sharp clarity. And most
importantly, her mum's home-grown beauty regime. Well, how she laughed. ‘Exfoliate?’
she husked, ‘You washed your face then had a cup of tea and
cigarette!’
Do you know, that’s the best beauty tip I've heard
yet!
