by DJ Kirkby (Thu Jan 07, 2010)
The cabbage soup diet. Ever heard of it. No?
Well at the risk of sounding vulgar, you've probably smelled it. And, allow me
to add that I hate cabbage now, but more on that shortly. I spent the majority
of my life being effortlessly slim, childless and eating whatever I
wanted. I smoked cigarettes like they'd been invented solely for my
pleasure and it was my personal duty to smoke as many as possible so as not to
appear ungrateful. I genuinely believed that fad diets were for people who had
to ‘do or die.'
My 30s were tumultuous. I found them about as
pleasurable as hitting a wall at high speed but throughout it all, my weight
remained fairly stable. I was relatively happy with what I saw in the mirror. Then
I entered my 40s, my metabolism changed and I discovered a strange new fetish;
a fixation with scales. I couldn't resist putting my feet on them. No, not
reptilian ones. The scales I developed an unhealthy fascination with had
the capacity to make or break my day with a simple spin of a numbered dial.
The compulsion to weigh myself came upon me with the unstoppable force of
a child throwing a tantrum. Swiftly followed by an overwhelming urge to diet.
Why a previously rational person such as myself
decided to follow fad diets is still a mystery. I knew it was ridiculous (not
to mention dangerous), but suddenly I was eating cabbage soup for every
meal. I tried it cold, hot, warm, blended, thin with lots of broth, extra
cabbage, half blended and half solid mixed together, shredded cabbage, chunky
cut cabbage, grated cabbage and every variety of the vegetable available. It
never stopped tasting awful and it repeated on me so often I had my own
personal cloud billowing around me. I know. Ick. It's not very civilised
is it? And, I didn't keep off the weight I lost. So I moved on to
less gaseous but, sadly carbohydrate free, pastures.
It was impossibly hard; I endured a constant urge
to eat because every meal I had was so unsatisfying. As if that wasn't
enough (no pun intended), what sounded the death knell on that diet was when I
found out that chocolate is considered a carbohydrate. I'd like to meet a
woman who would willingly live a life without chocolate (so I could steal her
share).
I decided to try a compromise on the no carbohydrate diet and promised
myself that I would cut out all refined sugar instead. Which meant that I
became obsessed with eradicating everything from our house that contained added
sugar. I lost weight that month, but I gave up because those sugar substitutes
leave a bad taste on my tongue. That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it.
The diet that finally broke me was the grapefruit
and eggs detox. I lost ten lbs in five days but even that wasn't enough to
keep my interest. I mean how many grapefruit and egg meal combinations are
there? Soft-boiled and sliced; dry scrambled and peeled; and poached with
broiled grapefruit were my sum total of creations. You feeling hungry yet? No, I didn't think
so. It's no wonder the diet worked.
The utter boredom of following these fad diets was
ultimately my saving grace. I finally accepted that I needed the stimulation of
making and eating interesting meals. By doing so I've also embraced an
opportunity to aim for longevity.
Since my epiphany I've begun a slow but steady
weight loss by not following a fad diet. I eat what I want as long as it
is made from unprocessed food and I make sure I enjoy a bit of exercise
(usually cycling or walking), every day. I know. Not exactly rocket science
is it? But then I'm no rocket scientist. Just someone who had a lucky escape.
Moral of the story? Fad diets really are die
with a t on the end. The magic way to easy weight loss is simply
to eat well and move more.
