You might have read on Vogue UK's web site: ‘ready or not, the jump suit is back on our fashion radar.' Look in the magazines and have a Google - it's everywhere. Sigh, moan, weep and wail. Yet another fashion item that shouldn't have been worn the first time around and certainly isn't suitable for women over,... ooh, about 22.

And before any photos surface, I owned one of these numbers back in the early 80's. At that time, it was called (in the UK at least) a ‘boilersuit' but if you Google that term now you'll read only of Ghostbusters, workwear and woven steel panels. (Try it.) The secret then, as now, was to have basically no shape - Bingo! With no identifiable waist or hips, and fairly thin thighs, that little number was made for me. While I still have relatively thin thighs (key word being ‘relatively'), no waist and not much hip, the look somehow doesn't work so well these days.

But let's talk about 2009's jumpsuit and why we should all give it a wide berth:

Vogue UK's web site has a stunning array of designer examples, and pretty much every single one of them has these warnings alongside:

• ‘Wear with ultra-tall heels to cancel out the frump factor.' Sirens, alarm bells and Danger signs. If Vogue models have to ‘cancel out the frump factor' how do we stand a chance?
• ‘Sporty drawstring details add definition.' OK, two things here. If there's a drawstring in sight, you have to be anorexic for it not to look like the proverbial sack tied round the middle. And second - if you have to work at adding definition, especially by way of a drawstring, step away from the jumpsuit.
• ‘Inject a touch of glamour with sequined separates.' Again, a double warning. If you have to add sequins to any outfit (as opposed to sequins being an intrinsic part of the design), it begs the question ‘What is lacking?' And second, ‘Separates?' - isn't the jumpsuit supposed to be a stand-alone outfit? Isn't that the whole point of it? If I have to think about ‘separates' I might as well ditch the all-in-one concept altogether.

Ladies, we have just spent the best part of a half-decade pretending not to listen to Trinny and Susannah banging on about how to hide our dodgy bits. Wear jackets and tops that cut across your jiggly bum or pot-belly, and avoid fabrics that cut into your rolls. (See I wasn't listening either.) Most of the current jumpsuits are one-piece nylon numbers that would only look good on ironing boards and would positively shrivel under a Mediterranean sun. Even on skinny bitches, under close inspection, the crotch area looks incredibly dodgy. Let's face it, when you're worrying about other body problems, the last thing you need is potential camel toe.

So, to recap - jumpsuits look semi-decent if:

• you are about to be hospitalized for an eating disorder.
• you are pregnant. Jumpsuits look OK on preggies, and if you think it can't happen to you in your 40's after a medical intervention, I'll see you after class.
• they are heavily disguised as separates (a la Stella McCartney) - that would be two-piece suits.

In other words, DON'T WEAR ONE PIECE ANYTHING, unless you can wrap a sarong around it.